Faithlessly Yours
by miethra songweaver
Summary: When you love somebody, does it make sense for you to need someone else just as strongly? When the one you love cannot give you all you want, does it justify your need for someone else to fill that emptiness? Is it betrayal even if you still belong to him
1. prologue:pain

**Prologue: Pain**

_He stood completely still by the door, eyes fixated on the scene before him. Just stood there, rooted, when what he really should be doing was walking away. Away so that he would not need to see the confirmation in that violet warmth when their eyes met; so that he could still pretend he did not see what he saw and that what happened had in fact not happened. That it was a dream, a horrible dream that would go away once he woke up in the morning. _

_Except that he could not._

_Twisted by a morbid fascination, he could not bear walking away, could not bear turning away; he needed to see with eyes, needed to know. So he continued to stay, and allowed his whole being to slowly disintegrate into oblivion with the excruciating pain that seared through all of him as he watched. Until he found himself drowning in familiar violet depths. The beauty of that deep violet washed over his gaping wounds, sending him into blinding numbness. _

_Then Sanada left; he did not look back. _


	2. Chapter 1:betrayed

disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot... sadly.

* * *

**Betrayed**

Data never lie, especially not those belonging to Yanagi Renji. His data was perfect, to a fault as most people would say; they had never failed him, nor would they ever in times to come. Not that he expected them to. When the Master of Rikkaidai Fuzoku mentioned something in its absolute sense, he meant exactly what he said.

_Perfect_, hence, meant perfect in every sense of the word. Therefore there were few things that Yanagi would call perfect; he had more fingers on one hand than the number of things that had in his opinion achieved perfection. Like his… _relationship_… with Kirihara, for example. Well, not exactly, if he were to be entirely honest with himself. There were still various unstable external factors out of his control that could potentially upset their current state of connectedness by at least 12.3 percent, a 5.6 percent chance that their relationship was nothing more than a case of infatuation and a 4.2 percent chance that it was a mere experiment on both sides. But ever since he had finally admitted his affections for the younger boy to himself, with much repeated confirmation from his trusted data, something in him had changed.

He had become soft and… _hopeful_.

For the first time in his life, Yanagi Renji found himself wanting something to be perfect. The Master who had always taken all the flaws in the world in his stride was suddenly stricken by the desire to make something perfect. It both frightened and fascinated him.

_"You're in love and love does that to people,"_ Jackal had said to him_. "It just does; there is no reason for it, Renji."_

_Love_. Besides the fact that it was a four-lettered noun that meant zero in a tennis game, Yanagi had absolutely no idea what it was. Even his data revealed nothing. It troubled him that anything that was said to be so close to the human heart could be so elusive; the ever composed Master soon found himself in a constant state of nervousness. The very thought that there was something within human comprehension which his data could not interpret sent Yanagi's mind into overdrive with panic.

_"Sometimes when you think too hard about something, you end up missing the big picture, Renji. Your heart knows you better than you brains; just let it be your guide for once. What are you afraid of? You have nothing to lose, my friend."_

He could still remember the smile on Seiichi's lips and that soothing calmness that emanated from him as they talked. Till this day, Yanagi still could not even start to figure how Seiichi ever found out; much of his friend's mental capabilities was still beyond him. Yukimura Seiichi was _very_ good at hiding his data. He was also very good at giving advice, but then that was nothing new; it was already down in his data.

However easy Seiichi had made it out to be, Yanagi soon found out that persuading his brains to let his heart take the lead was hard business. It was… unnatural. Illogical. It was like making himself change into someone else and lose control. He did not understand; even his data offered no hint of a solution. It was awful; if love meant going through so much confusion and disorder and pain, why would anyone want to fall in love? It was in this way that his ever-pragmatic mind threw him into a perfect scenario of false dilemma, forcefully attempting to silence the protest his heart put up.

It was something that Yanagi never wanted to remember; no one liked to be reminded of their foolish moments. Especially now that he had found the answer to his own question, the question of why people fell in love. The answer had come to him when Akaya kissed him that day under the bridge on their way home. It turned out to be much simpler than he ever thought it would be.

People fell in love because they were meant to be.

There was no reason for it that could be captured by any form of data; people loved simply because.

_"You don't need to know what is love, senpai. Just love; there is nothing logical about it. So stop thinking,"_ Akaya had breathily ordered as he reached up for another kiss that day. And Renji had more than gladly obliged.

_Just… love. _

Now, one year into their relationship, Yanagi found himself a changed man. Well, on the outside he was still as much data and statistics as ever, but on the inside he knew that he had finally found something… _someone_… who would one day become more precious to him than all the data in the world.

Love, he was beginning to find, was a most wonderful thing.

Until today, that was.

If one could ever experience apocalypse on an emotional level, it must be something akin to what Yanagi was going through right now.

He exhaled shakily as his dropped his face into the palms of his hands. His notebook had been flung violently across the room a few seconds ago, and was now resting sullenly in a dark obscure corner, barely more than a wreck. It looked as if Yanagi had been tearing at its pages not too long ago.

"Why… Akaya? What is it that I missed?" he whispered into the suffocating warmth of his hands, pained.

_Akaya_…

When Yagyuu Hiroshi came up to him during practice today, it had been most unexpected. The Gentleman did not like unnecessary small talk during practices, even with his doubles partner who lived on gossip and scandals. Therefore Yanagi's mind had churned up quite a few possibilities within the few seconds he had before Yagyuu came to stand beside him. 76.7 percent chance that he would be asking for a new personal training menu, 20.01 percent chance of him asking about the latest lineup for the upcoming invitational match, 9.4 percent that he wanted to discuss the game between Marui and Kuwahara that Yanagi was presently occupied with, 0.2 percent chance that he would be asking for a new doubles partner because Niou was making him lose his hair double the rate last month…

But nothing prepared him for what was coming next.

"Akaya was with Yukimura buchou last Sunday, Renji." Yagyuu did not look at him; he appeared to be extremely interested in what was happening on court. Except that the game had just ended and there really was nothing interesting about Marui's verbal attack on his doubles partner who had just beaten him 2-6. Niou had a much more impressive vocabulary of swear words and expletives than the self-acclaimed tensai.

Yanagi grunted as he continued to scribble furiously in his notebook; Marui really should work on his stamina. Merely taking sky-high levels of glucose was simply not enough, not when he was up against national-level players they would soon meet in the Nationals. He would have to draw up a new training menu for the sugar-crazy boy…

"Sanada walked in on them, Renji."

His pen stopped.

"I see. Anything else?" His voice sounded… normal.

Too normal.

He thought Yagyuu spared a quick sideways glance at him, though with those glasses one could not really tell.

"They were not… _physically involved_… though, judging from what little Sanada decided to tell me. But he seems pretty upset, so I assume it must have been something just as horrible." Yagyuu slowly and deliberately pushed up his glasses. "I don't think he meant for me to tell you. But I thought it's only right for you to know, since it involves Akaya as well."

Yanagi frowned slightly. Yagyuu was speaking too slowly, and he was avoiding his look too deliberately. It was not like the Gentleman at all; if it were anyone else, Yanagi would have said that he was perhaps embarrassed, or at least uneasy. But this was Yagyuu Hiroshi, so he could not be sure. His data showed him to be a man of contradicting natures.

"I… I have never seen Sanada this upset, Renji," Yagyuu said, still looking straight ahead even though both Marui and Kuwahara had already left the courts.

"I see."

At this, Yagyuu flinched slightly. It was so slight that only someone who knew him as well as Yanagi could catch it. Data was helpful in this way. But even then, Yanagi still could not be sure if it was just a trick of the eye. "That is all I have to say, Renji. Niou… he is still waiting for me." With a slight nod, Yagyuu left in search of the resident Trickster who had long left the practice court in his partner's absence.

Yanagi remained standing there a long while after Yagyuu left, his pen poised to write though he wrote nothing.

People came and went without sparing much of a look at him; the Master was not one to trifle with if you wanted to see the sun rise tomorrow. Those who did venture a peek of curiosity in his general direction were either deeply awed by the perfectly motionless player or deeply traumatized by his unnatural stillness.

When Yanagi finally snapped out of the sickening blankness, he found himself shaking. It was as if all strength had suddenly left him and his body would soon crumple to the ground like a rag doll; he felt boneless. His hands were shaking and he lost his grip on his pen. It clattered loudly to the ground.

It felt all wrong.

It was not right that his breath was coming and going at only a third of its normal rate, not right that his limbs were all turning to jelly-like numbness, that his mind was threatening to shut down on him.

"Akaya…" he whispered, barely audible above his breath. A strong hand closed around his arm as his notebook fell from his hands and onto the ground with a loud thud.

"Not here, Renji." Jackal tightened his hold on the other boy's arm as he felt Yanagi start to teeter on his feet. "Come on." He turned and firmly, but not unkindly, guided Yanagi towards the clubhouse, picking up both the notebook and pen along the way. "You're in shock, Renji. Go get some rest," he stated.

Yanagi merely nodded as he allowed himself to be led away.

_Akaya_…

"I need to talk to Akaya," he breathed as he let his hands fall onto the table before him. "I need to know what happened… between him and Seiichi." It was irrational for anyone to feel so much pain over something that one did not know the details of. It would be much better if he knew exactly what happened. He would have the data and then he would perform the most immaculate calculations to find out what went wrong… He needed to talk to Akaya. He ached with the intensity of his need to know, and to hear it from Akaya's lips.

It was like a blind man's thirst for water in a desert; seeing nothing, yet feeling every pain more excruciatingly than anyone else. Searching endlessly for water, yet not know if it was the life-sustaining fluid he had found or the deadliest poison, but too tired and too needy to find out before gulping it all down.

He picked up the phone.

Then put it back down.

He stared hard at the phone then picked it up again only to put it down a split second later. This went on for five minutes, this picking up the phone then putting it down again routine. By the time he finally managed to hold the receiver long enough to dial Akaya's number, his hands were shaking again. They had become cold and clammy.

Like rotting fish; a revolting but perfectly apt description.

"Kirihara household. Who is this speaking?" The line had gotten through.

"Good evening. This is Yanagi from the tennis club. I'd like to speak to Akaya, please." Perfect control.

"Senpai! I was wondering when you're going to call. We haven't talked for the whole day…"

"Sorry. Something came up. How was your test today?"

"Huh?" Akaya sounded strangely like a little puppy right then; Yanagi could almost imagine him tilting his head to one side, brilliant green eyes wide and staring into space as he tried to recall. "Oh right. That test. It was okay I think. I heard the re-test is next Monday so I'd probably miss practice."

"Again," Yanagi added. Akaya laughed sheepishly.

"C'mon. You know school has always bored me…."

"What doesn't, Akaya?"

Laughter again. Yanagi let the sounds of the younger boy wash over him and make him drown. Anything to put the moment off a little longer. Anything to make him continue believing that Akaya still loved him.

"So why did you call, Yanagi-senpai? Are you still angry with me?"

Silence.

"What makes you think so, Akaya? I wasn't angry with you." _I would never be angry with you, Akaya… You are too precious to me. _

"You didn't even look at me once today and you were acting all funny… I don't know how to put it. You were so tense and far away… I thought I must have done something to make you angry."

He sounded just like a wounded little puppy longing to be taken into its master's arms again. Yanagi ached. For him. If Akaya had been there in front of him in person…

"I wasn't angry."

"That's good." Yanagi could almost see the smile on the younger boy's face. "So why did you call if you're not angry with me?"

This was it.

His hands were unsteady and the receiver felt too slippery. It was as if it would fall from his hand anytime soon.

This was it.

"Where were you last Sunday?" _Akaya… please…_

Silence again.

But this time, it stretched out for a long while before Akaya replied.

"Why do you ask, senpai?" Akaya did not answer his question.

Yanagi felt his mind start to reel; Akaya sounded… defensive. "You said you couldn't meet me last Sunday. I'm just curious, Akaya. That's all."

"Oh, that. That friend of mine, Mimori, you remember him? He asked me to a movie that he and a few others were going to. They were really pushy about it, so I…"

Akaya never got to finish what he was saying.

The line went dead.

* * *

A/N: Hi all of you who have kindly taken time outto read this, a big thank you! It wasn't easy starting on this fic even though the plot did come easily enough. It started one fine day when I was daydreaming as usual, then something occurred to me: is it possible for one to love a person, yet at the same time need another to fill up the gaps that the one he/she loves has left, but still love that person just as strongly? Ah wells. Am I confusing you? I am? I guess I should just shut up and let the story do the talking. 

One interesting thing that happened when I started on this fic was that I really intended for it to be a YagyuuXNiou centric fic. But Niou, ever the trickster refused to be put down on paper no matter how much I tried. (I tried for weeks, just in case you're interested to know) and the Gentleman insisted that I wrote about the others first as a sign of courtesy. So I turned to Sanada and Yukimura, but our darling devious Yuki was too busy making ou... I mean, making up with his Gen-chan to take notice of me. Marui had disappeared to somewhere else looking for food I suppose and Jackal adamently refused to be written about in the absence of his little... er..._friend_. Kirihara was acting the devil and attempted murder when I suggested starting with him first. So that left me with Renji. He was genial and by far the most cooperative. I had fun writing about him though I'm not sure if he is agrreable wih the way I portrayed his... affections... for Kirihara. We'll find out soon enough. Lolx.

One last thing before I go off in search of the other Rikkai players. For those who are expecting a scandal of some sort regarding what Sanada saw in the prologue, I'm afraid that you'll be sorely disappointed. As Yagyuu said, there's no physical involvement of any kind, but it would be traumatising for both Sanada and Yanagi and the epicentre of this melodrama of my concoction.

Okay. This is really long, so I should really go before any one reading this decides to do anything drastic. See you!


	3. Chapter 2:guilt

disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot... sadly

* * *

**Guilt**

Yagyuu looked up briefly from a paper he had been working on to acknowledge the tall boy who had just entered the homeroom. "Morning, Yanagi." The boy dipped his head in the general direction of Yagyuu as he took his seat at the table next to the Gentleman's. He started to get ready for class as Yagyuu turned back to his essay.

"You missed morning practice," he stated offhandedly as he made corrections to the thesis statement of the second paragraph.

Yanagi had started writing away in his notebook at an inhuman speed. "Sanogome sensei wanted to see me regarding a project that I would be undertaking. Practice was over by the time we finished."

"I see." Yagyuu cast a sideways glance at his friend and saw the notebook. Something was not right; the notebook was brand new. While he had never been privy to any of the Master's mysterious volumes, he had known the boy for long enough to know that Yanagi Renji would never move on to a new book unless the previous one had been completely filled with his intelligible handwriting from cover to cover. And he was sure that Yanagi still had a few more pages to go before his old book ran out. His brow creased just a little as he returned to his essay, only to find himself being distracted. His frown deepened as he attempted to focus on the paper before him again.

He gave up after five minutes of trying.

It was humanly impossible for even the ever collected Yagyuu Hiroshi to concentrate when the cause of his distraction was right beside him.

He bit his tongue in contemplation as he continued to pretend to be deep in thought over his essay. To anyone who was looking, Yagyuu was the perfect picture of a genius at work: totally focused and completely shut off from society. When in actual fact he was eons away from being focused. He adjusted his glasses as he stole another sideways glance at Yanagi out of the corner of his eye.

Something was very wrong.

Yanagi's absence that morning was most uncharacteristic of him; he could still see the unmasked disbelief on the faces of other club members once they found out that the Master was not at practice. Not that anyone minded though, once the initial shock wore off. After all, the eerie omnipresence that was the data-crazy Master was something they would much rather be without. However, unnatural as that may be, it was nothing that could not be explained with a perfectly logical reason.

No, it was not merely Yanagi's absence that unsettled him. It was the coincidence that Kirihara was in an exceptionally foul mood at practice that had alarms going off in Yagyuu's head. While Kirihara had never been known for his good temper, he was not one who enjoyed inflicting unnecessary pain on his teammates either. The very fact that he had sent three seniors, four juniors and six freshmen straight to the infirmary within half an hour was therefore a highly unnatural occurrence. The same, however, could not be said for tennis players from other schools, but that was beside the point. The point was that something was amiss between his friend and his kohai.

It did not take a genius to put two and two together and figure out that it had something to do with what he… divulged… to Yanagi yesterday.

He bit harder on his tongue; so it was his fault that things had soured between the two of them. So he was… wrong. He did not like being in the wrong. Yagyuu Hiroshi was never wrong if he could help it. He had spent a whole hour weighing out the consequences of telling Yanagi the day before, meticulously going through all the pros and cons before coming to the decision that telling Yanagi was the right thing to do. He hated that despite his thinking it through thoroughly, it had yielded such unpleasant results.

Above all, he hated to think that it would be his doing if the two broke up.

His frown deepened suddenly as he tasted blood. _Damn_.

"How's that essay of yours coming along?" Yanagi paused his rapid scribbling to turn towards Yagyuu.

"Fine. Why?" Yagyuu immediately cleared his mind- the last thing he wanted was to have Yanagi reading off his mind like an open book. While there had been no concrete proof that the Master could indeed read minds, Yagyuu wanted to take no chances around the ever-vigilant and ever-observant Yanagi Renji.

"You have been working on the same paragraph for the past fifteen minutes. On the average, you require only thirty minutes to complete an essay that would give you a grade A," he explained in a monotone, barely open eyes trained on the bespectacled boy before him, pen poised over his newly acquired notebook.

"I was preoccupied." Yagyuu forcefully kept his voice as level as humanly possible. Which was to say that it was _very_ level indeed.

"I see." Yanagi returned to his notebook.

Yagyuu started to bite on his tongue again and was awarded with another taste of his own blood. He winced silently. He really should rid himself of this habit; he was drawing blood much too often, even without Niou's help.

Niou Masaharu.

If Yagyuu had been distracted before, he was now positively incapable of any rational thought. He hated to admit it, but thinking about Niou did that to him. Thinking about the relationship they shared worsened the situation. It made him… happy, and it filled him with a strange inexplicable feeling that never seemed to go away. He hated that too; he hated not being in control, especially that over himself.

Yagyuu Hiroshi hated many things that had to do with his doubles partner; it was hard not to when you were polar opposites of each other. But he loved loving him. His brow creased; that did not make sense. Then again, with Niou around, things hardly ever did.

"_You love to hate me because you love me, don't you Hiro-chan? Ever heard that opposites attract? Admit it, you're hopelessly attracted to me,"_ Niou had unabashedly whispered in his ear after their first victory as a doubles team in the regionals the year before. He had smirked as he stole a kiss from Yagyuu. _"You're totally mine, ne?"_

_Niou._

Yagyuu did not what to think. He enjoyed being with Niou, and the more… _intimate_… moments were bonuses, but there had to be something more to this relationship. Something that made his mind shut down on him every time he thought of the silver-haired boy.

Something.

"Morning." Sanada's voice startled him, though he showed no outward sign of it.

"I hope Harada sensei wasn't hard on you? You were gone for quite a while," Yagyuu commented as he looked up casually.

"Exactly twenty-three minutes and 46 seconds," Yanagi offered as he looked up from his notebook.

"It was fine." Sanada made his way to his seat on Yagyuu's other side.

Yagyuu adjusted his glasses again and this time looked sideways at his fukubuchou. Sanada's stony mask was firmly in place, but Yagyuu knew that the stoic boy was no better than a wreck on the inside, if what happened yesterday was any indication.

"Sanada," Yagyuu started. The dark-haired boy looked up from his table, as did Yanagi.

"Yes?" he asked.

Yagyuu never managed to continue; the bell rang.

As they broke eye contact, Yagyuu finally grasped what it was that unsettled him so much. It was guilt. Guilt that he was so happy with Niou when his friends were in so much pain; guilt that it was partly his fault too that his friends were suffering. Yagyuu Hiroshi was guilty.

Unconsciously, he started chewing on his tongue again.

* * *

Kuwahara Jackal was worried. Yanagi had missed morning practice, and it was not natural. Yanagi had been known to physically drag himself to practice even when he was down with a 40 degree fever. He was there to witness it when it happened. It happened in their freshman year, and even in that condition, Yanagi had been able to hold out on court for nearly an hour before collapsing. Therefore his absence worried Jackal no end. It did not help that he had been there to witness the state Yanagi had been in yesterday.

Marui had had to hit him soundly on the head a few times during the practice to help him focus. Not that the redhead was complaining though. If anything, he seemed to relish the opportunity to embarrass his doubles partner very much. He looked like a very satisfied kitten who had just stuffed itself with cream. Remembering the delight on Marui's face brought a smile to Jackal's face.

Marui could hit him as much as he wanted if it really made him that happy; he would give anything to see that grin again. But of course, Marui did not need to know that.

When Jackal finally met Yanagi along the corridors on his way to class, he felt strangely relieved. He had not known what happened exactly the day before, only that Yanagi had been talking to Yagyuu shortly before he went into shock. He had also seen Yagyuu conversing with Sanada shortly before joining Yanagi. Which was to say that he knew nothing about what had happened at all, and was deeply troubled by the fact.

Surprisingly, Yanagi had volunteered the answer himself.

"Akaya was with Yukimura last Sunday, and for some reason, he found it necessary to lie to me about it." Yanagi had spoken looking straight ahead. "I thought I should tell you in case your worries affect your play again like it did during morning practice." It was uncanny how Yanagi always seemed to know what was going on in the club without being physically present.

"You're alright? Renji?" he had asked.

"Is there a reason I should not be?" Yanagi had answered calmly before nodding goodbye; they were from different classes.

Jackal grimaced at the Maths question before him; he was in no condition to be doing Maths. The fact was that while the conversation with Yanagi had on a certain level alleviated his worries, it had fuelled new ones on another level. It was not right for anyone to be so calm when talking about one's lover seeing someone else. He thought of how he would feel if Marui were to start seeing someone else, and realized that he really did not want to think about it.

He spun his pen idly as he mulled over the jumble in his head. Yanagi, for all his cold facade, really cared for the younger boy; it must have hurt to know that Akaya was seeing Seiichi behind his back. Wait.

His pen stopped spinning.

Something was terribly wrong with the scenario.

If Akaya was seeing Seiichi, then what about Sanada? His pen clattered to the ground and earned him a glare from his teacher.

What was going on?

The question stuck with Jackal for the whole day. He pondered over it during classes, as he walked along the corridors and even during lunch. It did not make sense that Akaya and Seiichi were seeing each other behind their lovers' backs. It was like a Maths question gone wrong. Seiichi loved Sanada and had never been too shy to show it. And Akaya was all cuteness whenever Yanagi was around whereas he acted pretty much the devil around anyone else. It was clear to anyone looking that they were absolutely in love. There was no way they could be seeing each other. Unless he was missing something.

There was a missing link in the picture but Jackal could not find it.

Like a puzzle that was missing a piece.

"Oi! Jackal! You there?" Marui had shoved a hand right in Jackal's face and was presently waving it in a very dramatic way.

"Sorry. Got carried away." Jackal shook his head a little to clear his mind. He needed to concentrate on his game. Suddenly he felt Marui rest his hand against his face. Its warmth was comforting.

"You okay? You've been this way since morning," Marui said, a slight frown touching his brow. Jackal gazed into the redhead's eyes; they were a fey mix of lilac and soft grey. They were breathtakingly beautiful. And right now, they saw nothing but him, held nothing but concern for him. He smiled; all this beauty was his and his alone.

"Never better," he said, never taking his eyes off the redhead's.

"Okay!" Marui's face broke into a widespread grin. "Then let's have a match again! C'mon! I'll beat you today for sure!"

Jackal stared after Marui in amazement. The self-acclaimed Tensai of the tennis club never failed to surprise him with his mercurial nature. Whenever he thought he had finally understood Marui, the fiery redhead would always find one way or another to prove him wrong.

He did not dare to think about what he was going to do without Marui.

As he started to follow Marui to the courts, he caught sight of Yanagi. He was observing a match between Sanada and Yagyuu. Something roiled in his stomach as he stared at the taller boy.

Something called guilt.

For a moment, it crossed Jackal's mind that it was not fair for him to be enjoying Marui's company when his teammate was suffering silently. Teammates. It lasted until he saw Marui waving to him.

He was too much in love with Marui to stay guilty for long.

* * *

A/N: Hey... here it is! The second chapter! Yay! I really wanted to write about the incident that Sanada saw and get on with the story, but I had to lay the ground first. Introduce the pairings and whatnots... This chapter wasn't as good as I hoped for it to be though... _sigh_. And I still have not gotten to the crux of the story yet! The main players are still being kept under wraps...Yuki, Sanada, Akaya, Niou, Marui... they're still pretty silent. It's kind of frustrating, trying to move it along but holding back at the same time. grrr. 

Anyway, I really want to thank for **Kalamity Kat** reviewing. Your comments really made my day. I was so worried that no one might find it interesting! I hope to move on to the main plot soon, in a chapter or two. So please hang around a while more. lolx.

Lastly, before I sign off and go to bed, please, please, I would really like to know what I did well, and more importantly, what i did not! So please review, anyone who happens to be reading this.

Okay. I shall go to bed now. Nights!


	4. Chapter 3:the rippling effect

disclaimer: nothing belongs to me but the plot... sadly

* * *

**The Rippling Effect**

Yukimura gently rocked the raven-haired boy, his hand resting against the top of the younger boy's head. For once, Yukimura Seiichi had nothing to offer the boy, no comforting words, no wise advice. All he could hope to do was to cradle the broken boy and shield him from the hurt, if just for a little while. He pressed his face into the boy's silken hair and felt silent sobs reverberate through the slender body. "There's no need to hold back, Akaya," he whispered, as his hand rested against the younger boy's face.

"There's no need to hold back when you're with me, Akaya." He planted a soft kiss in the boy's raven curls. "I'm here for you."

"Buchou…" Akaya's voice sounded muffled as he pressed himself harder against Yukimura's chest. Akaya was shaking and his skin was cold to Yukimura's touch. A cold sweat had broken out on his brow.

"I'll take care of you."

Tears started spilling from Akaya's eyes involuntarily, and he was having difficulty breathing. Yukimura closed his eyes, pained, as he felt the boy shiver violently in his arms.

_Akaya…_

"Don't… don't leave me… alone…" he breathed hoarsely.

Yukimura tightened his arms around Akaya.

"I won't."

_I'll never leave you, Akaya. _

When Akaya finally fell into a deep dreamless sleep, Yukimura gently shifted his head to his lap. Akaya looked like a child when he slept. He stroked the boy's hair, entranced by its silk-like qualities. Most people only saw the Demon on the courts, never noticing the child that had hidden so well in the depths of his being. Ever since he first saw Kirihara Akaya, Yukimura had known that there was more to the audacious boy than met the eye. So he had patiently waited and watched for even the tiniest crack on the surface of Akaya's perfect façade.

No one with eyes as clear as Akaya's could ever be evil.

It was no wonder then that he had been the one to find out about Akaya's feelings towards Yanagi. They were so subtle and well-hidden that Yukimura suspected that even Akaya had been unaware of them when he first brought it up. Needless to say, it had thrown Akaya into such an angry fit that the tennis club was turned upside down in a matter of hours. It also turned the younger boy into a walking timed bomb which went off at even the smallest triggers possible. The number of visitations to the school infirmary had sky-rocketed within a month.

Those memories brought a smile of amusement to his lips.

Needless to say, getting to know the real Akaya was not an easy task, but the knowledge that he now held a special place in the boy's heart was worth all the hard work and perils he had had to go through. But his real accomplishment lay in the fact that he had been the one to bring the boy and one of his best friends together.

Akaya and Renji.

When Akaya had gotten over the initial shock, and the subsequent bouts of anger, he had been confused. As usual, he built up a concrete wall around himself, running away from the problem like the proverbial ostrich that hid its head in the sand. Not that Yukimura would call Akaya's affections for Renji a problem; not when he knew all too well that Renji returned the feelings as well. It was sweet watching the two of them, both so outwardly intimidating but squishy-soft on the inside, loving each other but not knowing how to say it.

What they had shared was beautiful. There had been nothing complex about their relationship from the start.

Unlike Sanada and him.

Yukimura rested his hand against the side of the younger boy's face. His face was still wet and his eyes had begun showing signs of puffiness. He gently wiped at the tear streaks that marred the sleeping boy's soft porcelain skin. Akaya turned fitfully in his sleep, a soft pitiful moan escaping from his lips. It tore at him to see the boy suffer. He trembled with the need to sooth all the boy's pain away.

It was all his fault.

No matter how much he hated to admit it, Yukimura was envious of the younger boy. Perhaps just a little jealous even. Akaya had long become more than just a novelty to Yukimura; he was a constant reminder of what Yukimura could never have. Something Akaya had that he could never get.

The chance to love.

Yukimura grimaced as he felt the old pain tug at him once again. He had long come to accept things the way they were between himself and Sanada, yet the pain had remained. It haunted him constantly, gnawing at him incessantly. There was no escape from it so Yukimura had learnt to live with it. Learnt to live with the pain.

So much so that he was too numb to feel it.

But Akaya had made him aware of it again, and the pain came back at him in full force. In his moment of panic, he had grabbed at Akaya to keep himself afloat, and Akaya had stayed by his side loyally. By the time he had come back to his senses, he realized that he did not really want to let Akaya go; he needed the boy too much to let him go. So he had held on to the boy despite knowing the consequences of his actions.

It was all his fault; Akaya did nothing to deserve this, neither had Renji. It was not fair for them suffer so much just because of his selfishness. He had no right, no right at all, to do this just because…

Just because he was afraid. A mirthless chuckle escaped Yukimura as he bent over Akaya. He was suffering and he was afraid, and Akaya had been the only one to offer him the comfort he craved. Akaya had been the only one to see it, the only one to understand. He had looked right through the walls Yukimura had meticulously set up about himself and found the broken him that no one ever knew about. Not even Sanada. He leaned into Akaya and breathed in his warmth.

It was all his fault and he did not know how to begin to say that he was sorry.

_I'm so sorry, Akaya.

* * *

_

Sanada had not been quite himself lately. To be more specific, he had been feeling out of sorts ever since… _that_ day. He clenched his jaw, hard. Saying that he had been out of sorts was a gross understatement, but he really did not want to venture into that now that he had finally managed to seal all that mess away in some dark recess of his mind. The process had involved pure agony and unrelenting tears and unheard cries, but Sanada really had no need to be reminded of that right now; he was in the middle of practice.

Right now, he needed to be the pillar of Rikkaidai, the strong stoic Emperor who would lead the tennis club to victory once again. Now, he needed to do everything that needed to be done to ensure that all of them were in their best conditions for the upcoming Kantou games and subsequently the Nationals. He owed Seiichi that much as his fukubuchou. He could be Sanada Genichirou again when practice was over, when he was safe at home. But right now, he had responsibilities to fulfill.

Right now, he had to be Rikkaidai's pillar of strength.

"I have been observing some of the non-regulars like you told me to, Sanada." Yanagi sauntered up to Sanada, looking through the pages of his notebook purposefully. "Some of them do show some hints of potential. But it will take much training before they can compete at national level."

"Then we will train them," Sanada stated calmly as he turned to face the taller boy. "They are?"

Yanagi fingered a page and stopped flipping. "Tenoshi, junior year; Makada, junior year; Takeo, junior year; Fujiwara, freshman, and Doujima, freshman," he recited.

"That's only five out of two hundred," Sanada commented.

"The school team needs only eight."

"We're still two short, Renji."

Yanagi closed his notebook. "They have plenty of time to come to us before we officially withdraw from the club. I wouldn't worry so much if I were you."

"I'm not worried."

"Good."

They fell into an uncomfortable silence then, having run out of things to say. It raged between the two of them; it was strange how dead quiet could be so deafening. Sanada was the first one to turn away. He focused on the practice game between the two doubles teams before him. Doubles One was in the lead, but Kuwahara and Marui were making things difficult for them; like always, they would not go down without a fight.

A smash, and another point to Kuwahara and Marui.

"Kuwahara has increased his power, and his control has improved as well; he has far surpassed my expectations. Marui would have to work hard on his stamina and style if he still wants to play with Kuwahara in future. He is fast becoming a burden, as of now," Yanagi said quietly.

_Becoming a burden. _

If there was one thing in the world that could render Sanada Genichirou a wreck within a matter of seconds, it must be this. Sanada who remained unfazed even when facing an opponent twice his age and thrice his size back when he was only seven years old. It was strange how a few words could destroy him in a matter of seconds when he had stood fearless in face of the countless challenges he had faced in all fifteen years of his life.

It was impossible, that such simple words could affect Sanada Genichirou that much.

It had been impossible… until he met Yukimura Seiichi.

_Seiichi…_

Sanada forced himself to breathe again. Evenly.

"You're alright?" Yanagi asked, eyes opening just a little as he looked over at his fukubuchou. If Sanada had been his usual self, he would have been annoyed by Yanagi's subtle display of concern. _Very_ annoyed. But right now, his pride was the least on his mind. Not that anyone could see it though. Except maybe Yanagi and Yagyuu, judging from the way they were both looking at him.

Hold there a second. Yagyuu?

"The game ended a while ago," Yanagi offered politely, "with Yagyuu and Niou winning 7-5. It was a close game."

Right. Sanada thought he saw Niou and Kuwahara looking at him strangely out of the corner of his eye.

"Well done, Niou, Yagyuu. Marui, Kuwahara, 40 laps each. You'll complete them in 30 minutes' time and then work on the menus Yanagi had come up for you." He looked over at the Doubles Two pair. "With your weights on. Any question?"

Marui's eyes flared and started to say something but Jackal quickly pulled him away, hand over the redhead's mouth. "Yes, Sanada," he replied with due respect as he dragged a certain very reluctant, very angry redheaded self-appointed tensai off the courts.

"Lemmegoyoujerklemmegolemmego," Marui managed to scream, between chewing on his gum vigorously and fighting his doubles partner who had both arms locked around the slender youth firmly. Jackal sighed, resigned, and continued to pull his redheaded friend along.

Sanada watched as the two disappeared from sight, his insides churning.

"They seem happy together." Yanagi's voice sounded too flat to be normal.

"Of course they're happy together. They do everything together; what do you expect?" Niou smirked as he stretched himself deliberately. Sanada did not realize that the Trickster was still there; he thought with the boy's short attention span he would have left to look for something interesting elsewhere long time ago. Yagyuu cleared his throat a little too loudly. Niou swung an arm around his doubles partner. "C'mon, Hiro-chan. It's not as if you haven't heard them together in the changing room before…" Niou's eyes narrowed slyly as he leaned towards his spectacled friend.

"That's enough, Niou. Go bug someone else now." Yagyuu replied, adjusting his glasses casually.

"Che. Such a prude, Hiro-chan." Niou's smirk widened into a grin as he flicked stray strands of hair from Yagyuu's face. "See you later," Niou whispered in Yagyuu's ear, letting his fingertips ghost over the other boy's cheek before turning to leave.

Yagyuu looked as unruffled as ever.

Sanada looked sideways at the expressionless Gentleman; even the two of them were happy together. It hurt, really hurt, to see people around you so blissfully in love when you were so out of it. Not that what he shared with Seiichi was really love anyway. Never in all the past two years they were together had Sanada ever mustered enough courage to put his feelings towards the beautiful boy in words; he had done every thing that was humanly possible to show them to Seiichi, but he never did quite bring himself to say the three simple words he longed to say.

Sanada had never been good with words.

His throat tightened.

He never had a way with words, because he was afraid of making mistakes. Afraid of driving Seiichi away. Afraid… of becoming Seiichi's burden. So he had chosen silence, so that Seiichi could move on whenever he wanted when he got tired of him without having to feel guilty. In the meantime, Sanada would love Seiichi in his own way, watching over him, caring for him, being there for him. Until the day Seiichi decided to leave him.

_Seiichi._

"Are you… Are the two of you alright?" Yagyuu asked quietly. Sanada's head whipped around to stare at the bespectacled boy. He saw Yanagi doing the same. "I don't mean to probe, and you don't have to tell me anything. I'm merely concerned about the two of you, as a friend, or at least a teammate should."

For all his politeness and well-meaning intentions, Yagyuu Hiroshi had never really been known for his tact, or his subtlety. But somehow, the Gentleman always managed to make the most stinging remarks sound perfectly acceptable. Congenial, even.

It made one feel obligated to answer him truthfully.

"No," Yanagi replied, "but that is of no relation to tennis practice, except for the fact that I am concerned with Akaya's absence from practice. Which means he will be missing out on crucial training aimed at improving his speed. Other than that, I do not think my current state of mind is of much consequence at this point in time." Sanada wondered if the Master understood what he was saying; it hardly made sense.

Yagyuu nodded thoughtfully before turning to Sanada.

"Same here. Thank you for asking. I appreciate your concern but you should return to practice now." Sanada started to walk away; he was too confused to stay. He needed to move to clear his thoughts.

The truth was that he had not visited Seiichi again since last Sunday and the lapse in time was killing him; he was already aching for the beautiful boy as it was. He ached to see Seiichi again, and he yearned for the familiar smile and touch. Seeing Seiichi would make everything alright, as he always did. But he wanted to have some time to think before he faced Seiichi again. The last thing he wanted was to have Seiichi see him in this miserable state and blame it all on himself like he was prone to do. Seiichi could have anyone he wanted as long as he was happy; he did not need to feel guilty for anything. Especially not how Sanada felt; how he felt he would deal on his own.

But when he went to visit Yukimura that day, never in his wildest dreams had he expected to see Akaya asleep in Seiichi's lap, with Seiichi singing softly to him.

It was strange, how Sanada had reacted to the scene then. It was perfectly innocent, yet there was something about the scene, about the way Seiichi was looking at Akaya that made it seem all wrong. Something that said that there was no room for him there.

Not when Akaya was already there.

Sanada thought he would faint right there and then, but he did not. He had watched. He needed to know for sure that it was what Seiichi wanted. Somehow he had always harboured the hope that perhaps, just perhaps, Seiichi would one day tell him that he wanted no one but him. And he knew that unless that hope was completely crushed, he would never willingly let Seiichi go no matter how much he persuaded himself to.

So he had forced himself to stay, and to see. When Seiichi looked up, he knew. So he had left; he no longer belonged there. He had never belonged there to begin with. But he still needed to see him again. For the last time, to say good bye.

It really hurt.

"Perhaps you should call Akaya to see what's wrong. He seemed pretty fine this morning. Was acting the devil and sending people to the infirmary in droves. Wonder what happened to him," Niou suggested as he reappeared suddenly by Yagyuu's side. "It's not like him to miss practice like this." His face was graced with a lopsided grin as he watched the three of them intently. Sanada did not like it.

It was as if he knew exactly what was going on.

"That won't be necessary, Niou. Go mind your own business." Yagyuu's voice sounded a little too harsh.

"Oh, but I want to, Hiro-chan. I'm bored out of my mind with no one interesting to bug, and I'm feeling nice enough today to be a good senpai to my little kouhai," Niou drawled as he pulled out his phone languidly. "I'll call him myself since you guys aren't interested." Sanada thought he caught a malicious glint in the Trickster's eyes. Beside him, Sanada could feel Yanagi start to tense.

It made him suddenly aware of the fact that he was clenching his jaw so hard that it hurt.

"Niou," Yagyuu started warningly as the silver-haired boy slowly dialed Akaya's number. Niou grinned with mock innocence at the boy. "Yes, Hiro-chan?"

"You're going too far, Niou…" The Trickster silenced his doubles partner with a finger against the other boy's lips as the call got through.

Sanada suddenly found himself unable to move; it was just like last Sunday.

"Ahh… I was wondering when you're going to pick up, Aka…" Niou stopped abruptly. A strange look crossed his face as he listened.

Sanada felt a wave of nausea wash over him; his insides were burning.

Niou's eyes gleamed. "No, I'm just calling to check on Akaya. So he's fine? Asleep? I see. I won't disturb you then…" He was staring straight at both Sanada and Yanagi now.

"Have a good rest… buchou." Sanada hated the way Niou voiced the last word out so deliberately. It was as if he wanted to see just how much he could hurt the two of them.

Sanada was not going to let him.

"Yagyuu, practice game. Court one now," Sanada ordered as he made his way onto the practice courts. His face was still the perfect mask of authority and discipline was he walked to the net, but inside, his heart was breaking with every step he took. He saw Yanagi moving to take his usual place outside of the courts, his notebook at the ready. It seemed that Yanagi was not going to give in to the Trickster as well.

As Sanada practised his swing while Yagyuu got ready, he thought he would go deaf soon; the sound of his heart breaking was so loud.

* * *

A/N: Here goes the thrid chapter! Phew Finally gotten onto the story proper, with Akaya, Yukimura and Sanada in the picture after two chapters of absence. This ended up much longer than I planned. Originally, I had wanted to stop at Sanada's painful musings, but Niou just had to pop up. :) I wanted to keep both him and Marui until the next chapter, but somehow, the two irritating brats refused to wait any longer. Also, Sanada's feelings for Yuki appeared to be much more complicated than I first thought. So not only did it take up more space than I previously allocated, it also took up much more time! Sigh. It's going to get more angsty from this point onwards, since I'm done with laying down the basic grounds. 

Before I move on, I'd like to mention that I'm basing this fic on both the anime and the manga, since I've seen both. They both have interesting material for me to work on, and I think it'll be a greatwaste if I do not utilise both resources. For example, the switch between Yagyuu and Niou happened in the manga but not the anime, while the anime talked about how Niou got Yagyuu into the tennis club but not the manga. Hoots. Anyway, that's all I have to say as of now. Anything more would be a crime because I really shouldn't be giving out spoilers... _wails_


	5. interlude:emptiness

disclaimer: i own nothing but the plot. how sad.

warning: this may contain potentially offensive content

* * *

**Interlude: Emptiness**

_He panted against the slender body heaving beneath him, tension building up deep within. Urgent whispers told him that the other boy was feeling it as well; they were both near. Heated touches and suppressed moans. Then the release. It was not pleasure or fulfillment that came with the climax; for them, it was never for that. _

_It was never that._

_Silent cries and soft moans of names that did not belong to each other. But it was alright, if they did not call out each other's name; they were not supposed to. _

_Then they were standing and it was over. He started to leave as he always did but caught sight of a strand of silver entangled in red. He removed the incriminating evidence of what had just transpired between them meticulously from the other's hair. _

_They watched silently as it flittered to the ground. _

_Then they left, letting the familiar emptiness swallow them up. _

_

* * *

_

A/N: This was really really short. Like the prologue, it had never been to be a stand alone chapter in the first place. It was supposed to be more like an opening to a chapter. But somehow, I felt that its content deserves to be given enough credit because it is a lead into the heart of the story. I figured it would be a fitting opening to the melodrama that is about to take place in this fic... hehez. Anyway, sorry if I did not write the scene well because I've never written anything explicit before... so am a bit nervous about it. Hehz.

Sorry I took so long to update. Was supposed to finish with Marui and Niou this week, but was kinda caught up. And Niou and Marui turned out to be much harder to write than I thought cos now I have to add in plot and stuff to their indiv screen time unlike beofre when it was just indiv musings. Ah wells.


	6. Chapter 4:chain reaction

disclaimer: i lay claim to nothing but the plot

* * *

**Chain Reaction**

He leaned back in his seat, letting his head fall bonelessly backwards, eyes closed. With an arm slung across the back of his chair, Niou Masaharu was the perfect picture of ease and indifference, as always. And as always, it annoyed his teacher no end.

"Niou. Question five!" the teacher barked at the audacious boy who had started humming a most irritating tune not quite under his breath. Question five was an exceptionally mind-boggling one and judging by the way Harada sensei was staring daggers at the silver-haired nonchalance there was no doubt that the latter would suffer a most painful death if he failed to provide a proper answer. All eyes turned almost eagerly to the reclining boy; it would be nice if some misfortune befell the Trickster for a change.

"15. 45. 227. Reject 60, 56 and 130," Niou drawled as he started rocking his chair, legs grating against the ground. He grinned as a unanimous hiss of annoyance arose from his not-so-friendly classmates; Niou Masaharau did _so_ enjoy getting on their nerves. He could hardly help it if he was so talented at both Maths and driving people out of their minds.

"Get out of my class!" Harada sensei had turned a livid hue and appeared to be on the verge of a heart attack.

Stuffing his hands into his pockets, Niou got to his feet and casually made his way to the door. "Sure thing, sensei," he purred, wide smirk splashed across his face as he slid the door open. An amused chuckle escaped him as Harada sensei threw a well-aimed hardcover textbook at his head; his tennis-trained reflexes were the only thing that kept him safe from the threatening volume. As he slid the door close once again, Niou could hear a huge ruckus starting up in the homeroom.

As always.

It had become a routine for him, and for them.

Niou drew a hand languidly through his hair; routine was good. It was good for things to follow a set routine, to happen as they always did, so that the Trickster would know exactly how to respond and react. So that he could put on a good and entertaining show which of course could be taken either way by his audience; most hated it though. He was a natural performer, but even the best performers needed to rest. Niou was no exception, and this place was the perfect place for him to remove his mask for a breather. The corridors were quiet, dead quiet, and deserted during classes. He would not be disturbed here; it was the one place, the only place in school that he was truly safe. He could be himself here and be safe.

As a result, he would always find ways to get the teachers to send him out of class whenever he needed to think, or to just let Niou Masaharu take over. Except that he had started doing it more and more often these few days. He wondered why. But then, he already knew the answer to the answer. Niou grimaced; it was painful, when you already knew the answer to the one problem you could not solve, yet could not do anything about it. Niou sank his head against the wall and closed his eyes cursing under his breath.

_Yagyuu. _

"Damn you, Yagyuu Hiroshi," he hissed. "Damn you."

He did not like how pained he sounded. How… _needy_.

_Yagyuu. _

Contrary to popular belief, Niou Masaharu, resident Trickster of the Rikkaidai Fuzoku tennis club and devil incarnate overall, knew that love was much more than just a four-lettered word; had known it ever since the bespectacled Gentleman first beat him at tennis. It started off as no more than an infatuation when he first set eyes on the other boy, but as time went by, it… _festered_. It was not a good word to use, but it was the only word that Niou could think to use to describe what had transpired in the few months following Yagyuu's acceptance into the tennis club. Instead of going away, the infatuation had worsened, eating at the Trickster, breaking him. And when he finally lost all his concentration in the game against Yagyuu resulting in an overwhelming defeat, he knew that he had fallen deep and hard for the beautiful boy.

Fallen… in love.

The chuckle that escaped Niou was a wry one.

For the first time in his life, the Trickster was ensnared thoroughly in a game of his own making. For the first time, the Trickster lost at his own game.

Therefore, when Niou Masaharu finally gathered enough courage to admit defeat and confess his feelings to the ever-enigmatic Gentleman a year ago, he knew exactly what he was getting himself into. Well, at least he thought he knew what he was getting himself into. The humiliation, the pain, the suffering… he had expected all these, but he had never dreamed, never dared to, of Yagyuu Hiroshi returning that love.

Not that the other boy ever did.

Niou let out a ragged breath.

What they shared was something in between. There was no doubt that Yagyuu harboured feelings of affection for him too; Niou could see it whenever Yagyuu looked at him out of the corner of his eyes when he thought he was not looking, could feel it in his touch when they were together. But Niou knew better than to assume that the other boy loved him back. Being with the Gentleman had taught him never to make assumptions.

So he had lived for a year, never once taking the liberty to assume that Yagyuu ever returned his love. It had been a good way to live, a long-term affair with no strings attached. But lately, things had changed. For the worse, it seemed.

Niou slammed a fist into the wall in frustration.

_Yagyuu…_

An all-too-familiar warmth trailed its way down the Trickster's face and Niou did nothing to stop it. Through his blurred vision, he watched clear drops of tears fall to the ground with silent thuds that were too loud for his ears.

"Yagyuu…" he whispered barely above the quiet.

The fact was that he was no longer merely in love with the boy. He now lived on his presence, depended on him for life. He started to shake, with the need for Yagyuu Hiroshi, for his look, his scent, his voice, his touch, his… presence; the intoxicating presence of Yagyuu Hiroshi was a drug he was addicted to, and every second he was away from Yagyuu was hell. He ached with the need; it was so intense. He could not remember when it started, but by the time he found out it was too late. There was no stopping it, and there was no buffer for him. He just kept falling.

He could no longer stand the thought of Yagyuu ignoring him, of Yagyuu not needing him, not loving him; the good old life was gone.

Therefore the past few days had been living hell for him. Watching Yagyuu worrying about people other than him made his stomach burn with pure jealousy. Yes, jealousy. Yagyuu was his, and he was not about to share him with anyone else. So he had done everything he could to get Yagyuu to notice himself again. Including the hateful deed he did to Sanada and Yanagi.

Anything, _anything_, to get Yagyuu to notice him, to be aware of him once again. Even if it meant hurting his friends.

"I'm so tired of waiting for you to see me, Hiroshi… so tired… of needing you… when you don't care at all," Niou said softly as he crumpled to the ground. Drawing his knees to his chest, he stayed in the foetal position for a long while.

_Yagyuu Hiroshi._

Then the bell rang and the Trickster was ready for the stage again, mask firmly in place.

* * *

Marui did not know how to react when Yanagi broke the news to him. It was too sudden and Marui was not prepared. So he had stood there, a silly grin plastered to his face, as he listened to Yanagi talking to Jackal without actually registering a single word. He must have said something stupid because Jackal looked at him the way he always did when he was very _very_ worried about him. 

Anything that Marui did to make Jackal worry was stupid and so, Marui must be extremely stupid in that sense because everything he did was a cause of worry for Jackal.

Marui buried his face in his arms.

He did not know how he felt, except that it was something that he had gradually grown used to. There was no anger involved, though it seemed that way to anyone present. Marui had learnt to live without anger a long time ago; there was no need for anger when you had someone like Jackal. It was something else. Something that had been tugging at him, gnawing at him for a while now.

Somehow, in the recesses of his mind, Marui knew that he had expected this. Since a long time ago.

"Marui?" Soft footsteps that were not Jackal's were coming in his direction.

"Go away, Niou. I want to be alone," Marui whispered, voice quivering. He hugged his legs nearer to himself.

"You've been by yourself long enough. Stop moping and come out." He could hear the sneer in Niou's voice. He could also hear the concern that was expertly masked by the other boy's indifference. "Sanada's going to make you run laps if you insist on missing practice like this; he said so just now."

"Go away. I don't want to talk to you right now."

"Okay." Silence ensued but there was sign that Niou Masaharu was leaving. It stretched out between them for what seemed like eternity. "You know Yanagi didn't mean any harm right? He's just doing his job. He can't help it if the Kantou games are coming up and the team needs only the strongest players…"

Niou sounded almost embarrassed.

Marui whimpered; his body had started shaking uncontrollably. He squeezed his eyes tight as he curled himself up even more. He would not cry. Not when Niou Masaharu was right outside waiting.

"Ne. You know, Marui, it's not just you. I… Che. Yagyuu, he…" Niou's voice was strangely low. It sounded as if he was near tears himself, but Marui could not be sure because the walls were too thick. He felt a strange desire to laugh; it was funny in a twisted way how the two of them were always crying around each other. It was the same the last time, and the time before and before. He had lost count of the times they were together, shedding secret tears that no one else knew about.

"You want to come in? You sound like a wreck yourself." Marui reached to open the broom cupboard, earning a startled gasp from the silver-haired boy who had previously been leaning on its door.

"No. I sneaked off during practice. They… Yagyuu's probably looking for me now." _If he still cared enough._ Niou stared at a single speck on his shoe intently, carefully avoiding looking at Marui. He was afraid of seeing how broken he felt reflected in the other boy's eyes.

Marui exhaled shakily. "It's always like this, isn't it? It's always like this when we're together." He started to trace circles in the dust. "We're always sad and broken when we're together." His voice was barely above a whisper but it sounded deafening in the silent room. Then his finger brushed against something that caught the light. Something silver.

He picked it up.

"I think it's yours, Niou." Marui held up the single strand delicately for the other boy to see.

Niou looked up from his shoe and saw the hair Marui was holding between his fingers. Uncalled-for memories washed over his consciousness. Memories which no one knew about, locked away in that broom cupboard.

"Not mine, Marui. Ours," he said softly as he leaned kiss the redhead on the forehead, plucking the silver strand from him.

As he leaned into the kiss, Marui knew that something was horribly wrong. He should not be doing this when he already had Jackal. If Niou chose to be unfaithful to Hiroshi, it was none of his business. It definitely did not justify his actions. Not that he was trying to find excuses for himself; there was no excuse for what he was doing right now, or what he had done before. But he needed Niou, just as Niou needed him.

It was never love, or even lust. It was never that.

It was a need to know that he could exist without Jackal, that he was still himself without Jackal. And Niou was the only one who understood it perfectly.

He loved Jackal with all of himself. So much so that it came to a point when he could no longer function without the quiet boy. It was as if his whole life depended on Jackal's very presence. Every moment they were away Marui found it hard to breathe, hard to concentrate, no matter how much sugar he consumed. Like a fish out of water, he would be left struggling helplessly until Jackal was with him and he could live again.

But Jackal.

"He's so far from me, Niou. It feels as if he's a world apart even when he's holding me to himself. Even when we move together on court it's as if he has a pace of his own. A pace I can never match." Marui buried his face in the crook of Niou's neck. "He's so far away."

Jackal was too good for him.

He did not need Marui the way he needed Jackal; Jackal was himself even without Marui. He was independent, a presence that could sustain itself even without Marui; he had no need to depend on Marui the way Marui was dependent on him. And Marui was afraid. Afraid of losing Jackal, afraid that one day would come when everything would be over between them. Because then Jackal; would move on while he was left behind in the black hole of despair. If there was anything that petrified Marui to death, it was this.

The inevitable emptiness that would consume him when Jackal was gone.

"Niou, I'm scared," Marui sobbed into the other boy's shoulder. Scared hardly started describing what he was feeling right now, but it did not matter, Niou understood.

"I know." Slender finger were shaking as they ran through scarlet silken hair.

"Trust me, I know."

The strand of silver flittered into the dust and lay there, forgotten.

* * *

"You alright Jackal?" 

The defence specialist gave a little start at Yanagi's voice; he had not heard the other boy approaching. But given the state of mind he was in, he probably would not have noticed even if the sky fell on him. "I'm fine. Just a little surprised," he said carefully as he averted his eyes from the Master.

Yanagi nodded. "It was all for the best. I would have let Marui stay on if I could, but we can't afford to lose even one game. I hope you understand." His voice was low. If it had been anyone else, Jackal would have thought he sounded apologetic, remorseful even. But this was Yanagi Renji.

"I understand perfectly, Renji. I just hope Marui doesn't take it too hard," he replied, picking at a seam in his shirt. "He always takes things too hard on himself."

"It's nothing personal."

"I know, Renji."

"Thank you."

They fell silent then, both waiting for the other to continue.

"How's Akaya? Have you two… talked?" Jackal ventured, frowning at a stain that he had not noticed before on his shirt. He felt Yanagi tense beside him and he cringed inwardly; he had never been able to handle awkward situations well. He rubbed at the stain intently.

"He's fine. He's making progress…" Yanagi started.

"You know that's not what I mean, Renji." Jackal slowly looked up at the taller boy. "Akaya hasn't been himself lately, and neither have you. It's obvious that there's some sort of misunderstanding going on and it's even more obvious that neither of you is doing anything about it. Is it okay with you?"

Yanagi looked away.

"Is it okay to let a silly misunderstanding come between the two of you?"

Barely open eyes focused on a certain green-eyed junior who was flying across the court in the distance. Jackal laid a hand on Yanagi's arm. He was starting to say something when Yagyuu came up to them.

"Has anyone seen Niou? I can't seem to find him anywhere." Jackal was surprised to see Yagyuu's brows knitted uncharacteristically together. "Sanada will make him run laps if he doesn't come back soon."

"Correction. There's a 94.56 percent chance that he will make all of us run laps if we continue standing around any longer," Yanagi intoned as Sanada stormed towards them.

The fukubuchou seemed to be in an exceptionally foul mood.

"The percentage just rose to 99.45." Yanagi's face twitched a little.

Needless to say the regulars were soon back on court before their fuming fukubuchou could reach them and practice resumed as per normal.

Tennis was tennis after all; their hearts would have to wait.

* * *

A/N: It's finally out! Niou and Marui were a pain to write, though I do so love them. Akaya's out of the picture again, but it's necessary to leave him out a little longer cos I need to start making links... _lolx_. This is going to be one long fic if I ever made it to the end. Hehz. Lalala. Drawing links, making the plot move... nyah! So much to do, so much to write, so little time... Haha. But am so enjoying myself. And school's ending in a week's time! Then it's one whole month worth of holidays! Write on, write on! 

Ok... that was the hyper other-me talking. Shall ignore her for the time being. Life's great, but my most loved characters are not doing well. So angsty... I try to keep them in character, but please forgive me if there should be any ooc-ness; it's all merely for dramatic purposes. _Nyah_. Did I ever mention that for physical education, my class is doing thetennis right now? Gosh does it hurt! My arm is paralysed for the whole week after every lesson. As a matter of fact, my arm is still aching from last tuesday's lesson. Imagine what our beloved Tenipuri have to go through... But I digress. I shall sign off now and go for my well-deserved sleep!


	7. Chapter 5:the greater pain

disclaimer: i lay claim to nothing but the plot.

* * *

**The Greater Pain**

_"Six… six games to love to Kirihara," Yamazawa's voice was quivering uncontrollably as he announced the outcome of the game. _

"_Che," the Junior Ace spat, a smirk smeared across his face as he sauntered off courts without even sparing a glance at his fallen opponent. The court was suddenly surging with people, probably concerned with his opponent's injuries._

So weak.

_Yet as he passed out of the gate, he suddenly gripped the fence. So hard that his knuckles turned white. His breath was ragged and irregular almost as if he was forcing himself to breathe. Not that anyone noticed. Nobody ever noticed that even the Devil was only human off courts; it just sort of escaped them. _

_Emerald green orbs darted towards a certain towering senior who was perfectly composed, perfectly untouchable, perfectly perfect. Who wasn't looking in his direction at all.. _

_His smirk widened. _

So weak…

_Then the moment was over and he started towards the clubhouse again. _

_From the next court, the Master turned his head ever so slightly back to the game between Jackal and Hiroshi.

* * *

_

As he sank himself onto the bench in the refuge of the clubhouse, Akaya was panting hard; he could barely remember the last time he was this tired. This total exertion of himself. He felt ready to fall on his feet; his head was spinning and it was almost painful to breathe.

He threw his head back against the wall and felt the pain reverberate through his whole body. A ragged smile bloomed on his face.

The blinding pain that blew everything else away.

He loved it, this feeling of immense lightheadedness, this exquisite torture. This welcome relief from the pain of the past few days which had just intensified tenfold a few minutes ago. A few minutes ago, when Yanagi talked to him about his… improvement in speed. He squeezed his eyes shut and let himself drown in the fatigue.

And the pain.

Drown himself into oblivion with physical pain so he had no need to feel the greater pain in his heart. No need to feel his heart being torn apart.

It was almost sadistic but he was used to it. Used to pain.

_Yanagi senpai…_

Unlike most people, Akaya had never shunned pain, had always embraced pain. It made him aware, and it made him forget. Forget everything, for now. He knew he would eventually wake from this dream, but right now, he had a means to escape until the time he woke up.

Pain was good.

"Yo, Akaya. You're early." Akaya's eyes snapped open to find Niou's smirking face barely an inch away from his own. He gave an involuntary yelp as he fell sideways on the bench blabbering intelligibly in surprise. Since when was Niou-senpai in the clubhouse as well?

Niou grinned as he rested his chin on the bench so that he was staring straight and level into the second year's wide-open eyes. "Surprised?" he jabbed.

"Wha… What are you doing here senpai?" Akaya managed to force out as he scooted away from the threateningly harmless silver-head. Niou Masaharu was always the worst when he was being harmless, a conclusion Akaya drew from past experiences.

"Thought you'll laze out here, huh? Tsk tsk. Good thing I was here to catch you in the act, ne?" Niou wiggled his index finger at Akaya, eyes glinting ominously. The junior, realizing he was trapped on the narrow strip of a bench, swallowed hard.

"But that's only because he's beaten everybody else, Niou. You call that lazing out?" Yagyuu's voice rang out as he entered the clubhouse.

"Yagyuu senpai!" Akaya took the opportunity to leap up from the bench and scurried to the side of his bespectacled senpai. Only to run into the last person he wanted to face that day.

"A…" Yanagi started as he reached to steady the junior.

With his sharp reflexes Akaya was soon on the other side Yagyuu. Yanagi's outstretched hand twitched a little before returning to his side.

"You're the one lazing out, more like. Where have you been? I looked for you everywhere," Yagyuu continued mildly as if nothing had happened.

"You're worried about me, Hiro-chan?" Niou beamed as he slung an arm around Yagyuu. "That's a rare occurrence." He blinked in mock innocence as he snuggled into Yagyuu's shoulder.

"I almost had to run a hundred laps because of you," the Gentleman explained as he made his way to his usual corner, brushing the Trickster off.

"Ahh. I thought so too. You do hate running so much, ne? It messes up your hair, no?" Niou teased, eyes narrowing in mirth. Yagyuu remained unfazed as he settled into his usual corner.

"I just don't like being punished for something that isn't my fault. I don't hate running." Yagyuu adjusted his glasses.

"Ahh. So cold, ne?" Niou shrugged as he tossed his head to the side nonchalantly; he was hurting so much he thought he would die. "And here I was trying to be nice for once…"

"Nice to whom?" Yagyuu tossed his doubles partner a sideways look. "Anyone you decide to be nice to ought to be tended to immediately."

"Oi, be fair, Hiro-chan! I was just looking for poor little Bun-chan who had been mercilessly kicked off the lineup and left to mope all by himself, is all." Niou pouted slightly as he leaned towards Yagyuu. "You guys are too heartless, Hiroshi," Niou added, just loud enough for about everyone in the clubhouse to hear, eyes narrowing as he stole a glance at Jackal who had just passed through the doorway.

The defence specialist seemed to have paled a little, not that anyone noticed anyway.

"What? Marui-senpai's off the lineup? But... but..." Akaya spluttered loudly in surprise; he had been too caught up with practice to notice what was going on around him. As such, he was probably the last one in the club to know about it.

"Hey chill, pup. You're loud; there's no need to tell the whole world, you know," Marui drawled as he appeared out of nowhere. "Oh hi Jackal!" Lilac grey eyes widened in pleasant surprise as they sought out the familiar presence, just as if the owner had not expected to find him there. "How's practice?" the redhead asked, bouncing to the side of his doubles partner.

"F...fine. But where were you all this while? I... I couldn't find you anywhere." Jackal lowered his voice. "I was so worried." His voice was a mere whisper as he dropped his gaze.

_So worried... about him, always._

"Hey, Jackal. I'm fine." Marui gently touched the side of Jackal's face. Jet black eyes darted towards the smaller boy's face. "Don't worry about me. I'll take care of myself." A smile, before he turned to Yanagi.

_Jackal... gomenasai. _

"Oi, Yanagi! Get my menu out soon! I've got to be back on line before the Kantou Games!" Marui jabbed a finger at his doubles partner. "What's Jackal gonna do without a tensai like me?" Then he caught Jackal's eyes and winked.

_What am I going to do without you?_ Jackal grinned and slung his arm around Marui as he always did when he wanted to hug Marui to himself badly but could not because there were people watching; Jackal was happy. Marui smiled quietly to himself as he let himself melt into the arm for a while. He liked making Jackal happy, liked it above everything else.

_What am I going to do without you, watching you do without me?_

"I'm glad there are no hard feelings between the two of you. And I'm glad you're not holding it against me, Marui." Yanagi was back to normal as he continued, "It pleases me that you're eager to overcome your weaknesses. So, from tomorrow onwards, I'll double your overall training menu, and triple your stamina training..."

Marui paled with every passing second. "Oi, oi, Yanagi..." he said weakly.

Everyone burst into laughter.

Niou did not look as Marui as he doubled over in bouts of mock laughter; he did not need to look to know how pained the other boy was. He knew it all too well.

"Pull yourselves together, everyone. Stop making fools out of yourselves." Sanada, as always, made quite an entrance with his commanding presence.

All sound dissipated into thin air; Sanada was that daunting.

Unconsciously, Yagyuu straightened ever so slightly, eyes trained intensely on the fukubuchou. Niou pulled away quickly as if touching him burned, but Yagyuu took no notice. Niou was never predictable and so he never bothered to. And right now he had Sanada to worry about.

Niou's petty tempers could wait.

Beside him, Niou's mind started to shut down on him. Again.

Akaya could not really understand what was being said to them; all of it was a fuzz to him. But he guessed it must be something important because the Kantou tournament was drawing near, and also because Yanagi senpai was furiously writing away in his book again. For a while, Akaya allowed himself to get lost in the rhythmic movements of pen over paper like he used to in the past. Back, when he used to... He flinched mentally. It didn't matter. What was in the past was the past.

No matter how much he wished it wasn't so.

_Yanagi senpai..._

Suddenly he felt an all-too-familiar wave gush through him, rushing straight for his eyes. He fell into the well-worn routine of forcing his eyes wide, so wide that they stung, so that his tears wouldn't fall. So that he would not betray himself. It was something he had learnt as a child. If he did not give anyone the pleasure of seeing him cry, then they would leave him alone, so he had learnt to swallow his tears even though it burnt him doing so.

Never had he thought that he would one day come to use it so often it became a habit.

He noticed his hands shaking so he clasped them to himself to keep them still. Sanada fukubuchou seemed to be talking about the lineup now because Marui senpai was smiling as if he was being crushed and did not want anyone else to see it. Akaya's throat tightened as he averted his gaze. He really should be a nice kohai and spare more thought for his senpai- it must feel absolutely horrid to be scraped off the list barely a month before the Kantou tournament. But how could he, when all that he could think of right now- if he was even thinking at all to begin with- was all that had transpired in the past few days, when all that he could see was the expressionless face of... _his_... Yanagi senpai. If he could still call him his. Fingernails drew thin trails of blood that he did not even notice.

It wasn't fair for Yanagi senpai to treat him this way, but it was fine with him. It must have been his fault anyway. He must have made Yanagi senpai angry; he must have done something wrong. If only Yanagi senpai would tell him what it was. If only he would look at him again, and tell him what he did wrong. Then Akaya would change and never do it again.

But he never did. He just walked away, like Akaya wasn't there, like Akaya didn't matter to him at all. It was never hard falling in love with someone like Yanagi Renji, it was loving him that was hard.

Like a snail, going around with that shell of his. Moving so slowly, afraid of being hurt and afraid of hurting. Withdrawing into its infallible fortress every time it is touched.

A lost child, frightened, not knowing what to do.

But Akaya loved him nonetheless; he had made up his mind to love him a long time ago, even if he was every bit as scared as his Yanagi senpai. He would love him and be loved back because he wanted it no other way.

He wanted it this way, even if it meant getting hurt along the way. So he had bit back tears when things were rough, had waited whenever Yanagi senpai shrank away from him; it was the way he chose. Because Yanagi senpai would eventually come back and they would be closer than before.

But what had happened the past few days was beyond him.

He could take any pain, any hurt if it meant having Yanagi senpai in the end, wait for as long it needed for Yanagi senpai to come to him. But this pain was different. Because this time, Yanagi senpai may never come back, and he wouldn't even know why. It scared him to death.

Beyond death.

And then there it was, that burning heat at the corner of his eyes scorching him; he wouldn't be able to hold it any longer. He had to go; he must not cry in front of Yanagi senpai.

* * *

From where he was sitting, Yanagi watched. He barely knew what he was writing as he continued to watch the green eyed junior seated across him. Not that Akaya noticed anyway; he was too busy listening to Sanada. Frowning a little, he glanced at what he had just written and realised, unsurprisingly, that he could not make out a single thing he had penned. No bother; he could always ask Jackal later.

Right now, he was thinking too much about Akaya to pay attention.

His hand faltered when he saw those bright green eyes sweep towards him. An excruciating pain shot through all of him tearing his insides apart. _Akaya..._ He needed Akaya, like he needed air. Every moment without Akaya was living death. Yanagi was living a life of death, had been living it ever since that day. He could never be truly alive without Akaya.

His Akaya.

As it was, he could no longer be sure if Akaya was his anymore. Or if Akaya had been his to begin with. And he was too scared to find out.

A sudden noise jolted him back to Sanada. Except that it was not the fukubuchou that made the jarring sound.

"If there's nothing important, Sanada fukubuchou, may I go now? I'm tired," Akaya sounded as audacious as ever as he stood up suddenly, chair scraping harshly against the ground. Eyebrows were raised at the younger boy's words.

"Getting cheeky, aren't we?" Niou drawled as he straightened from his slouched position beside Yagyuu. He shook his head slowly at the green-eyed boy. "Bad Akaya. Why don't you keep a closer look on your little puppy, Yanagi? He hasn't been as good as he used to lately." Niou grinned as he shot a sly look at the Master.

Yanagi felt himself tense at Niou's words. Yet as he looked towards Akaya, the junior did not even seem to care. He stretched like a cat.

He didn't care.

Yanagi dropped his pen.

There was suddenly an uncomfortable silence in the room. As if some sort of blanket had fallen over them. It was awkward and it was unnatural.

"I'm going," Akaya stated flatly as he started towards the door.

"Before you leave, Akaya, remember that we'll be paying Yukimura buchou a visit tomorrow," Sanada said quietly.

There was a unanimous sharp intake of breath in the clubhouse. Yagyuu twitched a little and frowned. Niou chose not to see the worry on the Gentleman's face; he was not sure if he could keep his pretence up any longer. He felt as if he were dying, but that was something that he was fast becoming accustomed to.

"We're visiting buchou tomorrow?" Jackal asked incredulously.

Sanada looked straight ahead as he stood up. "He needs to be updated on the changes in the club. Especially since the Kantou tournament is coming up soon; he is still our buchou after all." His voice barely shook as he forced the words out of his mouth. "Dismissed."

Sanada turned and left the clubhouse. Yagyuu was the first to recover and a moment later he was out of the clubhouse as well. It was a long while before the rest of the Regulars recovered. One by one they left the clubhouse in silence.

All of them had matters to mull over and feelings to deal with before the next morning came. They mustn't let their buchou worry, and Yukimura Seiichi, being the highly sensitive person that he was, worried easily.

Tomorrow was going to be a long, long day.

* * *

A/N: Ah! Gomenasai! I took soooooo long to complete this chapter! So sorry I kept people waiting. But the thing was that I met up with this humongous writer's block that left me stumped for weeks trying to gather everybody up in this chapter. It still turned out worse than I thought. And there were tests, assignments, crap. Then there were the 2 weeks of attachment to a law firm. It was fun cos I learnt tonnes there, but draining. So I became even more stumped. Wah! But at least I'm moving this along. It's 2.25 am here where I am and I should really go sleep if I still value my brain cells, but the problem is that I write best during unearthly hours in the morning, even though I'm usually half-dead after that. Ah wells. Oyasumi!


	8. Chapter 6:broken maybes

disclaimer: i own nothing but the plot.

* * *

**Broken Maybes**

Jackal leaned against the window and found himself basking in the cheery afternoon sun that had made its way into the bus. A small smile played about his lips as he turned a little to look at his red-haired companion who was fast asleep beside him. Marui had fallen into a deep slumber almost instantly after gulping down the assorted cakes that Jackal had bought for him on a whim. He chuckled softly; Marui's love for sweets never failed to amuse him.

The redhead mumbled something as he turned fitfully against his pillow which happened to the left shoulder of his doubles partner, burrowing deeper into the boy. Jackal's eyes softened as he nuzzled the top of Marui's silken head. Flexing his shoulder which had become numb a long time ago, Jackal drew the sleeping boy closer to him, shifting him so that his head rested against the crook between his shoulder and collarbone. His smile widened as the smaller boy buried his face in his shirt, letting out a contented purr.

"Marui…" he breathed as he rested his head against the redhead's, a contented smile making its way across his face. As Jackal drew Marui even closer to him, he was filled with an inexplicable warmth that he had become familiar to; it was this way whenever Marui was with him.

This bubble of warmth and happiness.

But he knew all too well that it was wrong to feel this happy today. Today, when they would have to face Yukimura buchou in a matter of minutes and inform him of Marui's removal from the lineup. The bus suddenly felt icy cold despite the generous amount of sunlight in the vehicle. Jackal's arm tightened around Marui instinctively; it hurt, it hurt badly even if he was just thinking about it.

The mere thought of Marui being taken away from him was death itself to Jackal.

"Mn… What is it, Jackal?" Marui slurred sweetly as he nuzzled Jackal's neck, only half-awake.

Jackal started a little. "Sorry, Marui. I didn't mean to wake you up…"

The redhead purred again as he threw his arms around the other boy, cuddling against his chest. "It's okay, Jackal. It's about time I wake up too, ne?" Soft lilac eyes peered up at him through lowered eyelashes as Marui struggled not to fall asleep once again.

Jackal felt his heart skip several beats just watching the beautiful boy who was presently treating him as if he were the softest teddy bear in the whole world. A low chuckle escaped him as he gently brushed at some stray crumbs by the redhead's mouth. "Of course. We're getting off at the next stop," he said softly, running a finger across the smaller boy's lips before gracing them with a chaste kiss. "Are you awake now?"

Eyes bright and ready, Marui nodded emphatically, much like a newborn kitten, highly attentive and eager to please. "Very, Jackal; very awake," he purred as he leaned up to return the favour, pressing his lips lightly to Jackal's neck. "We should get going now, ne?" he chirped as he got off the seat. "We're there."

Jackal laughed a little, though he wasn't sure why.

"Yes, let's."

* * *

Sanada looked straight ahead as they entered the hospital. He was acutely aware of the awkward atmosphere among his teammates but right now he honestly didn't give a damn; he was as much a nervous wreck as it was. He punched the button for the elevator with just a little more force than necessary. If they chose to leave their problems hanging among them, well, it was their choice; he was in no mood to act the perfect chummy fukubuchou right now. 

_Seiichi…_

"I'm sure everything will be fine, Sanada fukubuchou." Yagyuu's voice was soft as he laid a comforting hand on the other boy's arm. Sanada nodded mutely in acknowledgement; he did not trust himself to speak.

"Ah! The lift is here!" Niou sauntered into the elevator as the doors opened, shouldering Sanada aside in the process. "Come on, everybody in! We can't have Yukimura buchou waiting for the whole day!" the Trickster announced cheerfully as he jabbed hard at the button for level six.

Sanada's brow creased just a little.

"Hai hai. You don't have to be so loud, Niou senpai; everyone's staring at us," Akaya said through gritted teeth as he stepped into the lift. Niou laughed as he ruffled Akaya's hair roughly.

"He sure is in a good mood today," Yagyuu mused to himself as he too stepped into the elevator. "Come on, Sanada," he added, turning slightly to face his fukubuchou who was the only one outside of the lift.

Noticing the stares he was receiving from his teammates Sanada grunted and moved into the lift. He was sure that something was amiss. His doubts were confirmed when he caught a malicious glint in Niou's eyes that was gone almost as soon as he saw it; the shove from before had been intentional.

The lift closed and started its ascent.

* * *

Yukimura could barely keep the smile off his face as he watched his team fawn over him; it was easy to ignore the tension among them when they were taking care of him like this. He glanced at the flowers, cakes and gifts that they had brought and his smile widened. "Thank you, everyone. You really shouldn't go to so much trouble for me…" Yukimura started to say before it was cut off by a piece of cake that Marui shoved into his mouth. 

"It wasn't any trouble at all, buchou," the redhead chirped as he straightened himself, grinning as he did so. "Was it, Jackal?" Marui asked, head tilting to his left.

"Nope, of course not; Yukimura, you really shouldn't worry yourself like that," Jackal chided lightly as he ruffled Marui's hair. "As a matter of fact, Marui here took great pleasure in picking out those cakes with great pains. It was no trouble at all for us, Yukimura." Marui beamed up at Jackal as he leaned into the hand upon his head.

Yukimura chuckled softly as he watched the pair before him; it was heartening to know that he had two less people on the team to worry about.

"The flowers weren't that hard to pick out either, buchou," Akaya said as he returned from the bath room with a filled vase. "Sanada fukubuchou told us to get some that he has yet to get for you, which left us with little choice beside these gerberas," the junior added as he carefully arranged the colourful blossoms in the vase by Yukimura's bedside.

"Thank you," Yukimura said softly, eyes fixated on Sanada who was presently busying himself with the placement of the gifts they had brought. "Did Renji help…?"

"Niou senpai was surprisingly knowledgeable about flowers," Akaya babbled on, seemingly fascinated with the flowers he was arranging, effectively cutting off whatever Yukimura was trying to say. "Thank goodness he was with me at the florist's; I couldn't tell the different flowers apart at all." He took a step back and admired his handiwork.

Yukimura thought he saw Renji's hands tremble.

"You can't tell anything apart, baka. Seriously, I think you'll be better off if you hired a full-time babysitter to look after yourself; after all, we do have our own lives to tend to and have no obligation to watch over you like guard dogs,' Niou drawled as he sidled up to Akaya. "It is especially important now since Yanagi has decided to give you up," he deadpanned while engaging the unfortunate junior in a headlock, "we can't afford to have you running around like a headless housefly now, can we?" The silver-haired boy stole a quick look at the Master before continuing with his torment of his kohai, blatantly ignoring the icy looks he was receiving from his teammates.

Yukimura felt his fingers tighten on his sheets; Niou did not have to say that. He had no right to say that.

"Get off me, Niou senpai!" Niou was grinning as if he never had this much fun before.

"You heard him, Niou. Get off." Yagyuu's voice was much sharper than it usually was. Yukimura wondered if it was a trick of the eye when he thought he saw Niou flinch. "Now, before you strangle the life out of him," Yagyuu added, his voice flat.

"Che. Just when I'm having fun too… You're mean, Hiro-chan," Niou drawled lazily as he released the second year reluctantly. "Such a prude."

Yagyuu made no effort to retort the other boy as he moved to stand beside Sanada and Yanagi. Uncharacteristically, Niou did not move to his usual spot beside Yagyuu. He stood rooted to the ground right by Akaya's side.

Yukimura instinctively burrowed just a little more into his sheets; it felt as if the temperature in the room had just dropped to zero.

* * *

Yagyuu Hiroshi was very upset, and the fact that he was feeling this way upset him even more. 

As the hospital visit stretched out, he found himself becoming more and more restless. He cast a wistful look to his right where Niou would usually be standing and unconsciously tightened his grip on his own arm where the said boy would usually be leaning against.

Usually.

Yagyuu bit on his tongue in frustration as he watched Niou attend to Yukimura while teasing his favourite green-eyed target. It felt all wrong; Niou should be right here by his side, leaning against him while cracking his usual jokes, not standing by Akaya and acting as if he was not in the room at all.

He tasted blood but did not feel the pain; he must have gotten used to it now, since he had been doing this habitually for the past few days.

Yukimura was saying something but he could not understand what. He could barely make out what the other boy was telling to the team, and it hardly bothered him. If he had been his normal self, he would have been horrified by his indifference, but as it was, Yagyuu Hiroshi was far from his being usual self.

He lost all reason the day Niou left him, the day when Niou was not Niou anymore.

The Gentleman adjusted his glasses in an attempt to hide the grimace on his face. It hurt too much just to remember it, and it hurt even more when you did not know the reason for the hurt.

_Masaharu…_

Yagyuu knew how much Niou loved his little games, but he also knew that Niou never meant any harm to anyone. It was his way of saying that he cared, because he could never do it any other way; Niou could never do anything any other way. Yagyuu knew too well that Niou went much deeper than he cared to show, so he had always indulged Niou in his antics, hoping that at some point in time he would be allowed to look beyond the mask he faced every single day and find the real Niou Masaharu behind it. He had been hoping ever since he started to believe that there was more than just a silly infatuation between the two of them.

Maybe, just maybe.

But Niou had changed, even if no one else noticed it. Niou had changed, and Yagyuu did not even know the reason why. He did not know why Niou had to hurt Sanada and Yanagi like he did in the past few days, did not know why he had to create a gap between the two of them and then widen it. Niou had never been one for reason and logic, but similarly he had never been one to inflict unreasonable pain either.

So why was he feeling as if the entire world had crashed down on him?

He was chewing his tongue by now and it had become too numb to fully register the pain. But why would it matter if he was too numb to even register the pain in himself?

Yagyuu Hiroshi may appear to be an insurmountable wall to others but the truth was that he was an insurmountable wall to himself too. He had learnt to lock himself in and to surround himself with so much logic and reason that as time passed, he had become more logic and reason than Yagyuu Hiroshi himself. When Niou came into his life, all that he had known had been rendered useless and null. And he had hated it because he trembled at the thought of having his meticulously constructed wall broken down right before his eyes. So he had tried pushing the other boy away, but Niou had to have his way.

Niou always had his way, or no way at all.

His every touch, every word, every look was aimed at tearing Yagyuu down and he had resisted out of habit. Yagyuu relied heavily on his habits; he was near nothing without them. He had resisted, and failed terribly at it. Because with his every move Niou had touched the Yagyuu Hiroshi beyond the wall and it was not long before that Yagyuu Hiroshi had woken up from his deep slumber and asked for more.

Yagyuu knew exactly why his mind shut down every time he was with Niou Masaharu, and he knew why he acted the way he always did when he was with the mercurial boy; he knew exactly why he was so afraid, and what he was afraid of. There was only one thing that he had yet to figure out.

He had yet to know what it was exactly that he felt for the other boy. With Niou, logic and reason did not work; Yagyuu did not want it to work. When they were together, he wanted to feel it without having the wall in between them; he could only use his heart. So he could only fumble and guess. And hope. Maybe, just maybe.

With Niou around, it was always just maybes.

* * *

"Will you stop finding fault with every single thing I say, Hiro-chan? I think it's getting a little annoying." Niou's voice was dangerously dark as he firmly refused to look anywhere remotely in the general direction of the Gentleman. 

"I'm not finding fault. Just simply stating the facts, that's all I'm doing, Niou," Yagyuu returned quietly.

"Okay, scratch that; it's more than a little annoying. In fact, it's unsurprisingly getting on my nerves," Niou said through gritted teeth. "I'm sorry if I got the facts wrong, Hiroshi, but please try to understand that your well-meaning corrections are pissing me off so much that I think I'd much rather be home watching TV than being stuck here with an obnoxious being like you. So excuse me." Niou got to his feet, roughly shoving the chair backwards. Then, without looking at anyone in the room, he left.

An awkward silence settled itself over the remaining boys as Niou's footsteps echoed down the corridor. It was a long while before anyone spoke.

"I think I need to use the toilet…" Marui mumbled hurriedly as he got to his feet as well. He was out of the ward before anyone else could say anything.

Jackal stared after the redhead as he disappeared down the walkway. Marui… running after Niou? It did not make sense. Conversations between those two consisted mainly of strings of expletives that were better left unmentioned, and when they did carry out decent conversations- the number of times of which could be counted with one hand- they were usually mindless challenges and taunts that had both their doubles partners banging their heads against the wall in exasperation.

Since when had they become so close that he had to be the one to run after the Trickster? His excuse did not stand because there was a toilet in Yukimura's ward so he had no need to run to the one down the corridor. He could only be running after Niou. But why?

Why?

The unasked question hung among them and the air seemed to freeze.

Yanagi cleared his throat uneasily. All eyes focused on him except for a green pair that was staring intently at the floor. "It is getting late now, and we have stayed for over an hour. I think we should get going," he said slowly as his hands tightened convulsively on his notebook.

"Yes, I think so too. We shouldn't intrude upon Yukimura so much…" Yagyuu voiced out quietly. It was a different quiet from usual though; it had an empty ring to it.

"You're not intruding. I'm glad that everyone came and I really appreciate all that you've done for me. Thank you." Yukimura's soft voice that would normally have soothed their troubled minds fell on deaf ears.

"All of you may go now. Rest well tonight and I'll see you at practice tomorrow." Sanada's commands were obeyed almost at once as each of the regulars stonily rose from their respective seats and started for the door. No one noticed how Sanada excluded himself in the statements except for Yukimura.

"Genichirou…" Yukimura started.

Sanada closed the door behind the regulars with a click. Yukimura felt his heart quicken so much that it hurt him just to breathe.

"What is the meaning of this…" he tried to say before Sanada cut him off.

"I want to say a proper 'goodbye' to you, Seiichi…"

Yukimura thought his heart must have stopped right then because his world seemed to have come to an end.

* * *

When Sanada told his teammates to rest well for the night, he had failed to see the irony of his words; had he been his normal clear-minded self, it would have been more than a little obvious to him that none of them was going to get any decent sleep tonight. But Sanada, like the rest of them, had stopped being his normal self a long time ago. 

It was a very long day indeed.

* * *

A/N: Am highly agitated right now. In a few hours' time, I would be back in school and I really hate having to go to school. Also, it took me hours just to get this uploaded. Some error. _fumes_. Anyway, I never seem to get tired of tormenting my lovely characters, and somehow it has come to my attention that their angsting are becoming more and more alike. Well. But that's probably because I have yet to start on the yaoi soap opera proper. So I find myself worrying about the length of my fic; I never dared think about it before, since I've always given up halfway for all of my past works. So I'm kinda excited now... _hehez_. I'm thinking 10 chapters at least, but with all my dilly dallying, it might go beyond that. We'll see. _cackles to self_. 


	9. Chapter 7:all the tears in the world

disclaimer: ilay claimto nothing but the plot. :D

* * *

**All the Tears in the World**

_All he could remember before he was swallowed by deep midnight blackness was that he had been running. Running away as if his life depended on it, running towards nowhere. He remembered that he could not really see, and that he could not really feel the ground. Just that his chest felt like it was being torn apart form the exertion, or maybe it was because his heart was aching. But he could not really tell. He did remember one thing though. That he was cold, so terribly cold no matter how much he ran. _

_He wished he never stopped running.

* * *

_

Marui found Niou collapsed on the footpath just outside of the hospital, breath ragged and shallow, eyes empty as they stared straight at the ground. He lay still on the ground, the only movements being the occasional blink and the irregular rise and fall of his chest.

Like a fish that stayed out of water for too long, gasping and struggling for air that it would not be able to inhale anyway. Dying a slow but sure and painful death.

Marui carefully gathered the limp body into his arms. He watched as the boy flinch instinctively at first touch, then relax into the familiar embrace like a wounded little animal burrowing into soft earth. Niou was shaking violently and his skin felt cold to Marui's touch, but his face remained blank. The redhead felt his heart go out to the silver-haired boy nestled in his arms; he understood all too well what the other boy was going through. He brushed tenderly at Niou's brow that was drenched in sweat.

"You alright, Niou? Niou?" Marui's voice was feather soft as he shook the other boy gently. Niou seemed to stir a little. "Hey, wake up now. Or Sanada's gonna make you run a thousand laps," he teased tenderly, remembering a joke they shared, and shook the boy a little harder.

Then he thought he heard Niou say something. "What is it, Niou? Niou?"

"Cold…"

A single word like the whisper of the lightest breeze; the breeze that came before a storm.

Wordlessly Marui hugged the ragged Niou to his chest. It had been too long, too long now. It was only a matter of time before this happened; Niou had kept it all in for too long. Had kept it all to himself, even when the two of them were together. Marui wondered if anyone else knew how gentle and kind Niou was. But how would they know, if they were not there to see how Niou would swallow his own pain just so that he could take all of his?

How would they know, if they were not there to see how Niou would choke down his own tears just to catch all his tears as they fell?

"Niou, you silly goose…" Marui trailed off as his voice became engulfed in silent sobs that he did not realize were building up in him. Suddenly overwhelmed, Marui buried his face in the other boy's silver locks.

_Niou…_

They stayed this way a very long time.

_Niou. Come back…_

A very, very long time.

"Ma… Marui?"

The redhead snapped around to see his teammates right behind him. To see Jackal right behind him. The wind seemed to have picked up because Jackal had started to shiver as he felt a coldness rake through his bones.

"Jackal…" he started weakly, "I…"

His arms tightened around Niou silently; he had nothing to say as he watched Jackal disappear down the street.

* * *

He did not know how he made it home; he did not care. It did not matter. Nothing about himself ever mattered to him. All that mattered had been taken away from him. He had nothing now, nothing that mattered now. He had said goodbye and it was all over. Now. Wasn't it? 

_Seiichi… It's all over, Seiichi._

It had been almost a week and he thought the pain had ebbed away into a dull presence in the back of his mind. So he went to see him, to put an end to everything. He thought wrong. Every second he was in that room was death itself. Dying, over and over again, reminded of what he could have had and what he would never have now.

Sanada crumpled soundlessly to the floor, arms clutched tightly around himself. He should be crying now, but he could not. His tears were all used up now.

Standing before Yukimura, the pain had slammed back in full force. Like a scab, broken once again, hurting more than it used to, blood running like it would never stop. Could never stop. Running and running, never pausing.

He thought he died the day he saw Akaya with Yukimura, but he was wrong. Again. Because it hurt too much to be death; death could not have burnt and scorched so much. Because if he had died then he would not have died again and again today. Because death would have been much more merciful.

Sanada knew then, that his heart had never died. Would never die as long as Yukimura still lived; he just wished that it did. He curled himself up, tight, wishing fervently that he could disappear, wishing he could at least cry like everybody else.

They said that crying would make you feel better because it was an outlet for your emotions. But it was with a new realization that Sanada got into bed that night fully dressed.

It was just as well that he had no more tears to cry, because all the tears in the world could not help him now.

* * *

Yukimura swatted at the syringe vehemently. "I said I don't need one! I'm fine! Just… Just leave me alone!" 

"No. You need to calm down, kid. Be still." The doctor motioned for the nurses to pin the hysterical boy to the bed so that he could be sedated properly. "This is for you own good, Yukimura-kun; you know your body won't be able to withstand it."

Then he felt the needle pierce his skin and he thought he could feel the sedative course through his bloodstream as well. The effect did not kick in until a long time later, after the doctor and his nurses were long gone.

Yukimura wished it never took any effect.

He did not want to be calm, because that meant having to feel all that he felt a few hours ago all over again. Being calm meant having time to think about what happened, and he did not want that. He did not want to have to think about what happened. Or why it happened.

He wanted to remain angry. He wanted to let it all burn, and burn, and burn. He wanted to forget that it had happened, wanted to forget why it happened.

But this.

This was what he deserved, but that didn't mean he had to accept it. He did not want to accept it.

"Genichirou!" he cried in anguish as clutched the gerberas to his chest. He was trembling now, and tears kept falling from his eyes. Falling and falling, never stopping, like they could never stop.

They said tears could heal, but every drop that fell broke him just a little more.

His whole world was falling apart about him, and he was falling apart with it.

It was only when Sanada left that he had returned to his senses, and by then it was too late; Sanada was gone. Forever. And forever was a very long time. If there was anything Yukimura was ever sure of, it was this: he would never live a day knowing Sanada would be gone for as long as forever.

An anguished gasp escaped him as he crushed the gerberas against himself. And his tears continued to fall, draining him, breaking him.

He had lost control then, after Sanada was gone, throwing things about himself, breaking them, destroying them. Cakes and gifts and flowers; anything and everything that suggested what had happened had not been a dream. Yet with every crash his heart broke a little more and cried a little more.

And his world crashed a little more.

The scent of the crushed blossoms filled the room.

When the hospital staff rushed in, he knew he delirious and out of control. He knew because he was stepping on broken shards of glass and porcelain and he didn't feel the pain. Because the whole world was turning, spinning , faster and faster, but he was the only one who felt it.

People said tears were meant to heal; they were all liars.

* * *

"Jackal." Yanagi reached to place a comforting hand on the said boy's shoulder. Jackal flinched at the touch. 

"Go home, Renji; leave me alone," Jackal breathed, refusing to turn to face his friend for fear the latter would see the wetness in his eyes. "Please."

"I will not leave you when you're in this state. You stayed with me the last time; it's only fair that I do the same for you." Quiet resolution rang in the Master's voice. Jackal felt his resolve weaken.

"Our homes are in different directions. I don't want to trouble you," he whispered. But the wind picked up and stole away his words. "See you tomorrow, Renji." He started to walk down the street when he felt Yanagi's other hand rest on his other shoulder. He could feel the warmth of Renji's hands through his uniform; Renji's hands had always been warm, and comforting.

"It's okay to cry, Jackal, if you feel like it."

So Jackal leaned into the touch and cried, and felt safe; he could trust Renji like Renji could trust him.

Slowly, Yanagi lowered his head and rested his forehead against the top of Jackal's head; he would be here for as long as Jackal needed him.

Standing a little away from the two of them, Yagyuu watched. He did not how he should be feeling right now. Whether it was towards Marui and Niou, or Jackal. So he stood there and watched silently. Heck, he did not even know how he was feeling himself.

Things were happening too soon, too fast. He no longer knew anything, he was no longer sure of anything. Was it a good thing? Was it bad? How should he be feeling now, what should he be doing now? The Yagyuu in the past would have known exactly what to do, what to think, what to feel. But Niou had taken away all that used to be him, stripped him of all reason and logic, and forgotten to return them. And he had not bothered to ask for them either. The past him was gone, and the new him was still too young, too vulnerable to know how to deal.

So he stood and watched.

He had never meant to hurt Niou; he never realized he did. He thought he was giving Niou space. Because Niou had always lived by his own rules, his own pace; he did not want to be a bother to Niou. The possibility of an alternative never occurred to him. Should it have? If he had acted differently would things have been different? But he was a History student, and in History there were no would-bes and could-bes.

What was down in history could never be changed with maybes and perhaps.

Suddenly seized with an inexplicable faintness, Yagyuu tried to reach for the wall for support as he sank to the ground. It was strange, this feeling of weakness. As if all his strength had been sucked out of him and he could no longer bear to even stand.

"What is wrong with me?" he breathed softly to himself. Strange, how his breath seemed warmer than usual. Almost feverish, he would say.

Then there were footsteps but he was too tired, too drained, to look up.

"Yanagi-senpai…" Akaya stood unnaturally still as he watched Jackal turned to pull Renji into an embrace.

Yagyuu could not see the younger boy's face, but the shaking fists, bloodless from the tight clench, were enough. "Akaya…" he began weakly, "it's not what you think it is…"

"Whatever; like I'd care." Akaya started to turn around the corner. "He may do whatever he likes. His choice; it's none of my business," he said levelly as he paused to look in their direction again. "Not anymore."

"Akaya…"

"You need to rest, Yagyuu-senpai. You look worn out. Go home soon."

Yagyuu watched as his kohai disappeared around the corner. He behaved so normally that anyone would be fooled. Anyone who did not see the marks that his tears made as they fell to the ground.

Those dark spots on the ground that would either evaporate into the air or be absorbed into the concrete soon. And then all incriminating evidence would be gone.

"He's right. I should go home now. There's practice early tomorrow…" Yagyuu got to his feet shakily. After a last glance at his teammates he started towards his home.

He thought it was funny how his vision had started to blur. But then again, it may just be the unnatural exhaustion that had crept up on him. And so he dismissed it as such.

But that was only because he had not seen the trail of dark spots he left behind him. The trail that would soon be lost in the coming rain.

* * *

Akaya slumped against the wall when he was sure that he was far enough from his senpai-tachi. What had he just seen? When he realized that Sanada fukubuchou had stayed with Yukimura buchou when they left, he had hung around to wait. He wasn't sure what he was waiting for, just that he was waiting. 

He waited long enough to see Sanada burst out of the ward with his cap lowered so much over his face one could barely make out his features. Long enough to see Sanada rub aggressively at his eyes as he collapsed against Yukimura's door.

Much like he was doing now.

"Crap… I can't see now. Damn it." Yet the more he rubbed at his eyes, the more he ceased to see. The tears just kept welling up. "I… I can't cry. I won't, damn it!"

Akaya first learnt not to cry to protect himself, but he truly stopped crying because of Yanagi-senpai. He had no reason to stop now, when his only reason not to was gone. So they continued to fall, those cursed tears that he hated so much for so long. Yet it burnt so much, hurt so much, to see Yanagi-senpai caring for someone else so tenderly. Too much. So much so that he could not keep his tears away like he used to.

And they kept falling. And falling.

Somewhere in the distance lightning struck, and Akaya started running.

* * *

When Niou woke up, he was already home, in his bed. He could not remember much of what happened, nor did he really want to remember. He raised his hands to rub tiredly at his eyes, and they felt wet. So he had been crying. 

Still was.

He wondered if he had a bad dream like he used to as a child; he used to have nightmares when he was younger and would wake up crying. Except that this was one bad dream he would never wake up from, because in the past he would stop crying the moment he woke up. But this time his tears kept falling, running down his face, his neck, into his ears and onto the bed.

Tears were falling and he didn't know how to stop.

Slowly, he fell once again into a troubled sleep.

* * *

_Outside, it was raining hard. The occasional lightning flashed across the sky accompanied by deafening thunder. The wind was merciless as it tore through the town, ripping away at trees and banging at windows._

_The storm had come; they lied when they said tears could heal._

_

* * *

_A/N: Oh my... How absolutely depressing... _sigh_. This must be one of the most depressing chapters in this fic. Really. And the funny thing is that my inspiration came when I was reading... Ouran High School Host Club! _haha_. Inspirations do come from strange places, ne? But then, this is only a transition chapter so there isn't much obvious advancement from the previous chapter. There will be more action next chapter, I promise. However, I may take a little longer for the next chapter because inpiration for my other fic just came to me and I'm itching to work on that. I even had the ending planned out... _hehz_. It was a hard choice because I really liked all the pairings I originally planed out. _haha_. Anyway, just a side note. The title of my other fic,_ Loving the Way You do_ came form My Way of Loving You, which I had originally wanted to put down as the title of this fic, then later the title of a chapter in this fic. But I ended up refining it and using for my other fic instead. _hehez_. Somehow, I found that it fit other fic much much better. :D. Anyway, that is all I have to say this time. Ja ne!

ps. I can't believe I actually finished it this early! At 11 pm! Amazing...


	10. interlude:the rat

disclaimer: not mine.

* * *

**Interlude II: The Rat**

_Practice was as usual that day; there wasn't anything that was out of place. The usual drills, the usual people, the usual things; it was as normal as it could ever be. It was just practice after all, and practices were the simplest things anyone ever had to deal with. The only difference, however, was that Marui Bunta had started practicing with the non-regulars, but no one doubted that the red-haired senior would be back on the team in no time. Besides that small inconsequential matter, nothing was out of place that day._

_It was uneventful, perhaps even more so than usual; the residue of the storm last night hung heavily in the air._

_Then the bell rang and morning practice was over. They nodded politely to one another, thanking one another for the game, like real professional players ought to do. They said nothing though; there was no need to. Mindless conversation was frowned upon in official games; they might as well start practicing now._

_Silently they went about preparing for class. Most of the non-regulars who noticed dismissed the lack of interaction as a result of exhaustion. The more perceptive ones smelt a rat but could not find its hiding place, and therefore attributed it to their wild imaginations induced by large amounts of physical training. Others merely went through the practice without noticing anything. But it didn't matter to them anyway; every one was entitled to his thoughts._

_What was there to care about, when you were being suffocated by the smell of decay the dead rat was emitting?_

_It reeked, and they were the only ones to know its hidden location. When they left, however, the rat still remained, filling the room with its revolting smell of death._

_They did not bother to clean it up when the least they could have done was to give it a proper burial._

_

* * *

_A/N: Phew. That was short. School's draining me. A good thing I'm no longer suicidal, or I highly doubt that I'd still be here. I still remember a time when I really really wanted to die; it was absolutely horrible. Never glorify the idea of suicide; it's not romantic. Anyway, it'll probably be a while before I posted agian- or maybe not, but hard to say- because my finals are coming in about five weeks' time. _Sigh._ And by the way, I just realised how bad the imagery of a dead rat is, but I like how it fit in. :D. 


	11. Chapter 8:sustenance

disclaimer: not mine

* * *

**Sustenance**

Misunderstandings- merely convenient excuses for not knowing and not seeing. It's funny how people could go on and on about how much they cared when they used misunderstandings as reasons for not caring enough. For not knowing enough.

Excuses. The world was full of them, but that did not mean anyone had the right to use them that way. They're meant for those less than even the most cowardly of cowards.

You didn't run away from your problems by using excuses; you just didn't.

* * *

Yanagi leaned against the fence behind him, eyes closed as he vainly attempted to get some respite from the events of the day before. And the days before that. The afternoon breeze that was usually soothingly cool smelt of aggression today; remnant of the storm that had lasted for hours and hours. A sliver of yesterday.

And he shivered ever so slightly. He should be having lunch now, but he wasn't, hadn't had lunch for days. It wasn't healthy and it wasn't right but he didn't care; it was too much of a hassle anyway. He thought better on an empty stomach; the churning sensations kept his mind clear more effectively than sustenance of any form. He would worry about gastric problems later; one step at a time.

Right now, he had his thoughts to sort out, and for that he needed an empty stomach. Emptiness for emptiness. Period.

Slowly, he let himself sink to the cool concrete ground, where he sat with his knees pulled close to himself. And he thought, his fingers fumbling with the pages of the notebook he held in his hands. Mumbled calculations as eyes flew over number after number in a frenzy; like the buzz of a bee, or a machine in overdrive. Or something.

A part of him wondered if he was acting like a snail; an irrational part that was fast spiraling out of control. Maybe one that talked; Akaya liked to call him that, a snail. He liked to think that there was at least one thing that he could keep of Akaya even after they were through. A snail he was then. Strange, how he never thought to ask the reason why Akaya called him that, but it didn't matter now. Renji's hand faltered, wheezing as the wind tore past him. He's probably going crazy, he reasoned, seeing that his thoughts were no longer coherent in the least. But he wished for the process to be much, much faster; he'd much rather lose his mind in one single instance than having to live through every second of the process.

Yanagi Renji wasn't being much like himself and he knew it. The real him would never have run away like he was doing now. Like he had been running for a while now. God was he tired.

And hungry.

If Akaya had been around, he would never allow Renji to go through the day like this. Fatigue and hunger were a bad combination and Akaya would have prevented that at all cost. He would be looking out for his Yanagi-senpai around every corner, seeking him out in every of his little crook and cranny, making sure that he ate well and that he took proper naps. Maybe that was why he could never think clearly around Akaya.

_Akaya, Akaya, Akaya._ With a strangled cry Renji's head fell forward into his folded arms as the wind started to howl.

Again.

* * *

The hospital was quiet in the afternoons; lunches, it seemed, were more important than anything else to nurses, doctors and visitors alike. Akaya wondered absently as he walked along the corridor if Yanagi-senpai was having lunch as well. Probably not. He never saw the need for lunches before, and he would never now, now that Akaya was no longer there to remind him of the importance of the most basic human need for sustenance. Akaya felt his throat tighten; it was over now, and he really shouldn't be thinking about things like these. Things about Yanagi senpai that he no longer had any right to dabble in. He'll make a nuisance of himself and be a hassle to Yanagi-senpai, and Yanagi-senpai detested hassles.

_Not if the hassle is you_, Yanagi-senpai had said a long, long time ago. He had smiled and opened his eyes slightly when he said it, tapping Akaya lightly on the chin.

But that was long ago. Long ago, when everything was still alright. No, it wasn't alright; it had never been alright from the start. Everything had been a mess right from the beginning, but they had slowly worked to where they were now. Now? No, to where they used to be. Never had they thought it would eventually end this way, even in the darkest hours of their relationship. Never. Maybe something went wrong. Maybe he did something wrong. Maybe it was precisely because they did everything right that it ended this way; maybe they were meant to end up this way from the start. Maybe they had been lying to themselves through their teeth all the while.

Maybe he had.

"Akaya? Shouldn't you be in school now?"

Yukimura's voice startled the green-eyed boy out of his thoughts. "Buchou! What are you doing out here? You should be resting in your ward!" he cried a little short of hysterics as he turned to face his gentle buchou. Yukimura chuckled lightly as he watched his junior fuss over him like he would fuss over an injured nestling, or kitten, or puppy. With a small smile about his lips, he allowed himself to be fawned upon by his distracted kohai. A smile that never quite touched his eyes.

"Ne, Akaya, you haven't answered me. What are you doing here? As far as I know, school isn't over yet." Yukimura's voice tinkled like wind chimes in the breeze, and sounded just as empty. Akaya straightened a little so that he was looking his buchou in the eye. Yukimura suddenly felt the urge to look away from those clear green depths.

"School bores me. I think there's a test, but since I'll be retaking it anyway it doesn't make difference whether or not I sit for it today." Akaya shrugged nonchalantly as he rummaged through his bag. "Besides," he added as he pulled out a wrapped bento box, "I thought you might be getting a little tired of hospital food." He grinned as waved the bento before Yukimura's face.

A genuine chortle broke out of Yukimura as he regarded his kohai and his offerings. "Alright then, but don't expect me to give you any tuition classes for whatever test that you're missing," he jabbed as he slowly started towards his ward.

"Buchou!"

* * *

"Sanada?"

Sanada Genichirou opened his eyes slowly to see the Gentleman standing before him.

"I was told that I could find you here," Yagyuu explained mildly as he took the liberty of sitting down across from his fukubuchou, classmate and friend. "Yamada saw you." Sanada gave a slight shrug to indicate that he didn't really care about who did or did not see him before letting his eyes slide close again.

They sat facing each other in silence for a long while, neither wanting to the one to break the companiable quiet; there was a strangely comforting quality in the lack of exchange that felt almost healing. Lapping softly at their wounds, rinsing and cleansing.

"It's over."

Two words. A whisper, whisked away by the wind and thrown heavenwards. It would have rained down on them like snowflakes if the wind had not picked up and whirled the words away once again carrying them off to a faraway place. Sanada did not open his eyes as his lips voiced their betrayal. Yagyuu blinked once, slowly, and waited. He thought he caught the scent of rain on the wind that just rushed past. Sanada did not continue his sentence, choosing to slip deeper into his state of meditation instead.

"It is definite?" A question that sounded more like a statement, calmly. Like undisturbed water of a still lake; Sanada liked the sound of that.

A nod.

"Seiichi said that?" Cool as a cucumber, that Yagyuu. Calm and collected; he was a true genius, and Sanada was a little impressed. "That it's over between you…"

"That was me." He had hoped that perhaps he could at least keep his dignity by assuming the Gentleman's manner of speech, but he was failing miserably judging from the hoarseness of his voice. "It's better this way; save him the trouble. He's always too… nice."

Another long, slow blink.

"There's no basis for comparison because what's happened cannot be compared with what never did." Basic knowledge for a student of History. The semblance of a smile crept its way along Sanada's treacherous lips; that was a good one. "I understand completely, Sanada," Yagyuu said softly but emphatically.

"And I mean completely, in a literal sense." The mirror of Sanada's smile made its way onto Yagyuu's face.

"I know."

Comfortable silence resumed seamlessly like how the sea swallowed up the tracks of a speedboat.

* * *

Yukimura looked up briefly from the bento that he had been digging into for the past half hour to see Akaya staring blankly into space.

"Akaya?" he called softly, concerned.

"Ne… buchou. What happened yesterday?" The junior continued to stare deliberately into space as he spoke ever so carefully. Like someone scaling a cliff. "I saw Sanada fukubuchou crying." The sound of chopsticks clattering to the floor startled him a little and he shifted his gaze to the face of his beloved captain. "At least I thought I did," he added quickly, twiddling his thumbs in an almost nervous manner.

"How clumsy of me…" Yukimura smiled a little as he bent to pick up the chopsticks. Akaya thought he saw his buchou's hands shaking and knew all too well that it had nothing to do with his illness at all even though its symptoms did include sporadic spasms in his frail-looking senpai. "Ah… gomen, Akaya. You were saying?" He straightened himself deliberately after retrieving his chopsticks, careful not to meet Akaya's searching eyes.

"Did something happen between the two of you? Buchou?" Akaya whispered as he leaned forward in an attempt to capture Yukimura's wandering gaze with his own. The older boy chewed on the inside of his lower lip as he evaded his kohai's searching eyes once again. If it had been anyone else, Yukimura would never have shown this weakness of his, this weakness that he was feeling so acutely right now; he would have stared the person straight in the eye as if nothing was wrong. He was the captain of Rikkaidai and he was strong. He could handle anything that came his way like it was no more significant than a fly. Yukimura felt his breath quicken a little as he tightened his hold on the chopsticks. But it was not 'anyone else' that stood before him now; it was Akaya. And for that fact alone, Yukimura found himself unable to pull his usual feat off. Akaya could see through every deceptive front he put up as if they weren't there like no one else did. Not even Sanada. Sanada, who…who…

"Buchou!" Akaya cried, lunging forward to catch Yukimura as he collapsed. The bento crashed loudly to the immaculate floor and made a terrible mess. The room felt like it was turning and turning non-stop as Yukimura leaned into Akaya's embrace. Eyeing the mess he made on the floor, he absently wondered about what a nice mess it was; it completely set off the pristine white of the hospital floor. The monotony of the hospital was driving him crazy. But wait; perhaps he was crazy already. Maybe the sedative had started to wear off; should he ask for another?

A light slap to his face.

"Buchou? You alright?" Akaya's worried green eyes peered at him as he shook him gently.

A smile that he hoped to be reassuring. "Yes, Akaya," he breathed as he reached for Akaya's hand, the one that was resting against his left cheek. So warm. "I just felt a little faint, is all." _And the room is still turning, turning; you're the only one standing still for me._

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up." Green eyes shone uncertainly with remorse. Yukimura tightened his hold on the junior's hand as he finally mustered enough courage to meet the emerald depths above him. He saw Akaya flinch a little.

"It's okay. You don't have to apologise, Akaya; there's nothing to apologise for," he said quietly, pressing Akaya's hand harder against his cheek.

He was so cold now, and Akaya's hand was so warm.

* * *

Jackal picked at his food uncharacteristically; his bento was mostly untouched even though he had been at it for almost half an hour.

"Kuwahara-kun! Aren't you eating with Marui-kun today?" a cheerful voice had asked as its owner stopped in her tracks on her way to the door to regard the tennis player who also happened to be one of her best friends.

"N… No, Aoyagi-san. He's… busy today." His voice had quivered just a little.

"Ano… are you alright? Would you like me to have lunch here with you instead?" she had asked, concerned. Aoyagi Tetsuko had been the first friend Jackal made back in his freshman year. She was gentle and perceptive, and so it was no surprise that she had been the only one to notice how out of sorts Jackal had been. It was most comforting.

"Thank you, Aoyagi-san. I think I'll be fine on my own. Besides, I think I'll never hear the end of it from Niwa-san if I keep you here for too long," he had returned, smiling. He almost felt guilty for turning her down.

"Okay then, Kuwahara-kun. I'll see you after lunch then!" she had chirped as she left the class. Jackal still remembered the concern in her eyes and though he could never bring himself to say it, he was deeply grateful to her for caring.

He wondered if it had been a bad move to turn her down as he played idly with the leafy vegetables in his bento; the classroom was so empty. It wasn't an exceptionally big room, but at that moment it seemed to stretch further into infinity than the universe. It was so quiet it was deafening. And it was so empty. Wistfully, he glanced involuntarily to his left, where Marui would usually be, snitching bits of his lunch and hoarding his desserts. Desserts that he would take great pains to prepare just so that he could see the blissful look on the redhead's face as he munched on them.

Strange how he never noticed the way Marui's very presence seemed big enough to fill the void. The way he completed Jackal's life and made him feel that even forever was too short a time to live.

"Marui…" he breathed as his fingers tightened on his chopsticks till his knuckles turned white.

Jackal had never considered himself to be the jealous type, but after what happened yesterday, Jackal knew himself to be a hypocrite. The worst sort, nonetheless, who deceived not just others but also himself. All the time he had been with Marui he had made himself out to be a kind and understanding boyfriend, but if had he truly been what he thought he was, he would not have reacted the way he did yesterday, would he? Would he have felt as if his insides were roiling and burning like he had just downed litres of concentrated acid? He laughed hoarsely. What sort of imagery was that? He would have died had he really tried to consume any amount of concentrated acid. Maybe that was what he was feeling now. Dead. But then again, if you were dead you wouldn't feel anything. Would you? So maybe he was wishing very hard that he was dead. Was he? Wasn't he?

He didn't know anymore. Wasn't sure what to think anymore. Was he angry? Was he sad? Confused? Betrayed? Something that was all of that, but none of it, all at the same time. Something that was both more and less.

Numb, that was the word. Numb. Unfeeling. A wry chuckle escaped him. Not feeling.

Suddenly, he swiped the bento off his table. It smashed against the wall, leaving a nasty stain. He wondered why he did that; it didn't make sense. Did it have to? Then he caught sight of the cupcake sitting on the table. Cake? Another vicious swipe. Thud. And he was trampling on it. Stamp stamp stamp. In no time at all it was reduced to a pulp under his shoe.

He looked at the mess he had made of his lunch for a long time, until his eyesight started blurring. He rubbed at his eyes but it did not go away. It burned and it threatened to break loose. Suddenly unable to bear the sight anymore, he dashed out of his homeroom. He didn't know where he was going; he couldn't see anymore.

* * *

Akaya watched in silence as the hospital staff cleaned up the mess on the floor. Sweep, sweep; wipe, wipe. He'd much rather watch something as mundane as that than watch the doctor give Yukimura buchou a shot through some vein he should know from his biology class but did not. He wasn't sure what sedatives were for, but he knew they weren't very good for the body. And the mind; they dulled your wits so you couldn't think. Couldn't feel. He did not want to see his buchou like that.

Yukimura buchou was good the way he was, tempers and all.

"Don't excite him any further," the doctor said plainly as he finished with his administrations. "His conditions are not getting better and it will only serve to aggravate them." He stared openly at Akaya, blatantly showing that he was accusing the junior of being the reason for causing the Yukimura's worsened conditions. Akaya wondered if he should be flattered.

"Okay." He shrugged. Anyone who could bring out Yukimura's weaknesses so completely had to be someone very important to him. Very, very important, and Akaya knew that he was still light years from that.

"Akaya…" Yukimura called from his bed, the effect of the sedative already kicking in as apparent from his slight slur. It must have been an extremely, worryingly strong dose.

"You should rest now, buchou," he said softly as he picked up his bag by the door. "I can come visit you tomorrow if you like."

"I'm so sorry." Yukimura's words came out slurred and barely audible but Akaya caught it nevertheless.

"You don't have to be, buchou. You didn't do anything wrong..."

"It's all my fault… Renji… and you…" His voice trailed into indistinguishable sounds, but what Akaya managed to make out was enough.

"Buchou…" he mumbled, his mind a jumble as he took a final survey of the room before leaving. He wondered about what Yukimura had meant but a glance at his watch told him that club activities would start in fifteen minutes' time. So he promptly pushed the curious matter to the back of his mind as he started to run.

It was when his stomach started to growl loudly that he realized he had missed lunch.

* * *

Jackal slowly looked around him like a man who had just woken up, He was on the rooftop; it was empty now because everyone was having lunch. Which was just as well. The dark boy slumped against the door as his legs suddenly gave way under him. He felt so exhausted now. As he leaned into the door behind him, he felt his eyes drifting shut of their own accord.

And the wind was almost cold up here. Up here, it felt as if it was going to rain anytime soon.

He hovered near the edge of unconsciousness; it was so, so tempting… And his eyes snapped open when his sharp hearing picked up a strange sound. He panicked a little; he had thought he was the only one here. He considered leaving but there something familiar about the sound that made him approach the fences. But when he did not spot anyone, he thought it was probably a fragment of his imagination and started to leave.

And there it was, out of the corner of his eye his caught a faint movement. So he moved a little closer. And closer.

Jackal stopped dead in his tracks when he finally found the source of the sound. Panic rendered his body stiff and useless as he stared at the unconscious body slumped bonelessly on the ground.

The body of Yanagi Renji.

* * *

A/N: oh no... renji DIED! ok. he dint but pretty close. :D there was a reason i set this during lunch and have food almost all over the place. cos i have a bad habit of not taking lunch as i find it extremely troublesome. haha. that's why i get really bad migraines and sometimes gastric pains, but shush. you're not to tell my mom, k:P 


	12. Chapter 9:absolute zero

disclaimer: PoT is not mine

note: Absolute zero is the temperature at which nothing could be colder and no heat energy remains in a substance. -there is more to this but this is the part that inspired this chapter

* * *

**Absolute Zero**

How many days now? How long since everything had started crumbling down on him? On them? He'd lost count by now, not that he ever tried. But things like these had a way of sticking to you whether you liked it or not. It wasn't a matter of forgetting because they couldn't be forgotten; it was simply a matter of your ability to ignore them. It's cowardly, but when you're all broken it was all you could think to do. All you could manage to do, and even then it could grind you broken self down so much that your existence no longer had any meaning. That was if it had any meaning to it in the first place.

And you would be too weak to do anything else; too weak to even want to do anything else.

You would have hated yourself, but you would also realize that you're too tired to even think about it now.

Weak and helpless and tired; that's what you would be, and that's what he was feeling now. But that was okay for him, since he had been feeling like this for a long while now. It was very easy to get used to feelings like these. All you needed to do was to not try anything and it would come naturally. It was that simple. And besides, Niou Masaharu was highly adaptable; he got used to things pretty quickly even though it didn't mean that he had to like them.

He didn't like them most of the time, the things he had gotten used to over the years. But it made his life much easier so he was fine with it.

Niou Masaharu never was one to ask for much in life. Therefore it was only understandable that Yagyuu Hiroshi had never been his anyway; he was too much for someone like him to ask for.

Someone like him didn't deserve to ask for many things. Especially someone as good, as perfect, as Yagyuu Hiroshi; it had been preposterous from the very start for him to even think that he could ever have the luxury of loving Yagyuu.

Wryly, he tried to laugh the thought off but no sound came no matter how hard he tried. And it hurt; his throat that was. It burned, and he could feel a lump there, and it just wouldn't go away.

In the distance, the bell that signaled the end of school started to ring. Flexing his shoulders unconsciously, Niou racked a hand through his hair as he watched Marui complete his last lap for the day. His legs were shaking by the time he came to a rest beside Niou, grabbing onto the fence so hard his knuckles were a deathly white. Niou doubted if he could even sit up if he were to let go.

"Tennis practice in half an hour," he said offhandedly as he tossed a towel to his redheaded companion. The smaller boy grunted almost inaudibly in acknowledgement as he swiped at his face with the towel. A small frown crossed Niou's face as Marui suddenly fell to the ground in a most undignified manner. "You alright? Here, drink up," he said gruffly as he shoved a water bottle in his companion's face. He did not miss the slight tremble in the hand that reached for the bottle, nor did he miss the barest grimace on Marui's face as he guzzled down the bottle's contents in a blink.

"Thanks," Marui gasped as he drew a hand over his mouth after downing the whole bottle. His voice was raspy and it was clear that it hurt for him to even speak. Niou rolled his eyes as he too lowered himself to the ground so that he was level with the redhead.

"Want some cake?" he asked, patting the lunchbox sitting beside him, already knowing the answer before Marui tried to shake his head. He watched as lilac eyes turn glassy with pain and exhaustion with the composed ease of someone who had been through this time and time again. "You know, you could just say no rather than have your head swim more than necessary. I thought you'd have known this by now…" Niou grumbled loudly as he stretched his legs out before him.

"Sorry… forgot." The redhead put a hand to the side of his head sluggishly; his head was so groggy it felt like it would burst any moment soon. Then Marui yelped suddenly as a strong arm wrapped itself around him, gently pulling him downwards. The world was whirling about him and for a while he thought he was going to be sick. Until his head was laid tenderly against something warm and comfortingly familiar. He let out a little mewl as the nauseating sensations start to ebb away.

"Sleep. You have twenty-five minutes," he said gruffly as he shifted Marui's head lightly in his lap, making sure that he was comfortable with his position. He was used to this motion, and not because he had started to look after Marui either; there was a time when another commented that his favourite sleeping place was in his lap. But that was a while ago, a time which had started to fade into a dull ache that tore at him every waking moment.

"Thanks…" Marui barely managed to mumble before falling into a deep slumber. He grunted and watched as his friend began to loosen up visibly in his lap, snuggling against him. He patted him lightly on the head tentatively and heard a breathed name escape Marui's lips.

_Jackal. _

A smile found its way across Niou's lips as he started to smooth some errant strands from the forehead of the smaller boy. Marui often talked in his sleep, but they were mostly gibberish that no one could have understood. Sometimes he would go on and on muttering nothings that Niou doubted if he would have understood himself if he ever heard them, others sounded no more than a mere buzz. But there would always be one single word that would be so filled with clarity that it often led Niou to the mistaken conclusion that he was awake.

In fact, Niou doubted if there was any other word that Marui ever spoke with such surety even when he was awake.

_Jackal_.

To Niou, there was no way, absolutely no way, that there could be meaning to someone's life without having something that you could be entirely sure of. And Marui was lucky that way. He was sure that he loved Jackal and he was sure that Jackal loved him back too. All he was unsure of was himself, and once he had gotten over that, he would be one of the happiest people in the world.

In the beginning Niou used to wonder if he should be jealous of Marui, for having things that he could never have, for having the potential to be something he could never be. But he knew now that he needn't be. If Marui could be everything that he couldn't be even though they had so much in common, then Marui could become his dream. And when Marui succeeded, his dream would have come true too.

It was illogical, but when you're all the way at the bottom, you wouldn't care even if your only hope was no more than an illusion.

When you had nothing left, all the reason and logic in the world wouldn't be able to save you at all.

Then Marui started to whimper softly as he shifted his head fitfully. With a ghost of a smile about his lips, Niou leaned down and hugged his friend gently, making soft, hushing sounds like a mother would when her child had nightmares. And as he placed a chaste kiss on Marui's forehead, he felt the frown ease away.

And it was in this way that Niou let go of himself and felt the promise of peaceful sleep slowly overcome him, knowing full well that he would be up again just in time to make it to tennis practice with Marui in tow.

* * *

_"Move away, you're heavy." _

_He took no notice of the comment as he shifted his head about till he was comfortable. _

_"It's kind of nice here, Niou-kun. Would you please let me rest here for a bare five minutes? I really need the sleep and the mats in the student council room aren't exactly the most comfortable place in the world…" He reached a hand up to remove his glasses, rubbing his eyes surreptitiously in the process. _

_Niou scowled as he felt his face become very warm from something that was most definitely not the afternoon sun. _

_"Just shut up and go to sleep already. Five minutes only." _

_"How about ten?" A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he tucked his glasses carefully into his shirt pocket. _

_"You said five." There was something snappish about his voice, but the heat in his face was becoming harder and harder to ignore. _

_"But that's because I thought you're going to, you know, put up more resistance. And if truth be told, I haven't slept a wink in days because of the upcoming Culture Fest…" He reached for Niou's hand and ever so gently laced their fingers together. _

_"Ten minutes then. Starting now. Now go to sleep; I'm timing." He couldn't help but tighten the hold the other had on his hand. _

_"Thank you, Niou-kun. Please wake me up in half an hour's time then." _

_"What?" He was spluttering, and would have jumped up in outrage- really, he would- if not for the fact that the other was already drifting to sleep peacefully in his lap. He swallowed hard as his face burned. "Fine, whatever, you jerk." _

_The truth was that he didn't really mind the other being there, not at all, and he wasn't all that heavy either. The other knew this as well; it was a game they liked to play, denying the other something that one wanted desperately to give freely whether or not it was asked, pushing for something that the other would have been given freely anyway. _

_He would have asked for forever if he could, and he would have given it without even blinking. _

_But when he, in his slumber, brought their joined hands to his lips and tucked them against his cheek where he could feel their combined warmth, Niou was content. _

_It wasn't anywhere near as long as forever, but it was enough. _

* * *

Aoyagi Tetsuko leaned against the wall outside the class, waiting for the class within to be dismissed by their long-winded Literature teacher. The bell had rung almost five minutes ago, but from the fragments of the lesson she had heard from outside, the teacher wasn't likely to be done anytime soon. Absently, she tapped her left foot lightly against the floor as she continued to wait patiently, letting out a small sigh now and then. 

"Ne, Tetsuko, are you really going to wait for them to be dismissed? I mean, Kuwahara-kun didn't really say that…" Niwa Chitose commented halfheartedly from where she stood beside Tetsuko.

"Chi-chan! I promised!" Tetsuko chided her best friend lightly as a pout started to form on her face.

"I know I know. Sometimes I wonder if you aren't a little too nice to Kuwahara-kun," Chitose grumbled as she tapped Tetsuko lightly on the cheek.

Tetsuko smiled as she rested her head against her friend's shoulder. "He's a friend, Chi-chan, a very good friend. Friends should help one another in times of trouble, but there's so little I can do for him, so I'll do whatever I can even if it's something this small." She let her eyes flutter close for a little while, enjoying the closeness between them.

"I get it. It's just a message, right?" Chitose looked sideways at Tetsuko who nodded. "Then I'll wait for you by the gate, okay? Don't be too long; I'll give you half an hour," she quipped as she stepped away.

Tetsuko smiled as she watched her best friend disappear around the turn in the corridor. She knew that Chitose would still be waiting by the gate at her usual spot even if she took more than half an hour. She also knew that she would make sure that she was there by the end of thirty minutes whether or not she carried out her errand.

As she fell back against the wall she heard the noise of chairs scraping against the floor coming through the door.

Maybe Chi-chan wouldn't have to wait that long after all.

Mentally, Tetsuko arranged her thoughts once more as she waited for the door to slide open. After all, it was Sanada Genichirou she had to talk to, and even though she wasn't all that afraid of the tall stern fukubuchou who commanded respect even from their teachers, it was still wise to organize her thoughts beforehand if she didn't want to get tongue-tied halfway through her message. By the time the door finally slid open, she was ready. The teacher was the first to leave. Tetsuko bowed as the infamous Kurokawa-sensei passed by, wrinkling her nose just a little at the memory of his endless tirades of which she had a taste last year. Then the students started to pour out of the room and Tetsuko slipped into the class, looking around for the tall unmistakable figure she had been told to pass her message to.

"Are you looking for someone?"

Tetsuko started a little at the polite voice directed at her; she hadn't expected anyone to notice her at all, since everyone seemed to be in a hurry to be anywhere else besides the classroom. "Ah, yes." She turned to find herself staring into a blank face masked by a pair of spectacles. "I would like to speak to Sanada Genichirou, please."

"He's right there at the back," the tall boy answered quietly, gesturing to the back of the class where the subject of their exchange was putting his things away meticulously.

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it." The bespectacled boy started towards the blackboard and, picking up the duster, began to wipe the scribbles on the board away.

Tetsuko then made her way to the back of the class, ignoring the strange looks the other students still in the class were giving her.

"Ano, Sanada-kun?" A pair of deep-set eyes was raised to meet hers.

"Yes?"

"I have a message from Kuwahara-san. I'm Aoyagi Tetsuko from his class."

Sanada did not reply, continuing to regard her silently, waiting for the message to come.

"Apparently Yanagi-kun from your class has fallen ill and Kuwahara-san is currently with him at the infirmary. He says to tell you that he will stay with Yanagi-kun until his family comes for him, so he might be a little late for practice."

"Noted. Thank you," Sanada said with a slight incline of his head. It was clear that he was expecting her to leave now, but she wasn't done yet. And this was the most difficult part of it all.

Instead of turning to leave, she leaned forward and placed her hands on Sanada's table. She thought she saw the boy's brow crease a little but she didn't really care; she might be wary of him, but she wasn't scared. It would take much more than a scary face to have her trembling in fear.

"Ano, I know it isn't really my place to interfere with internal affairs of the tennis club, but I'm concerned for my friend." She stared straight into the black depths, not even flinching at the evident coldness in those eyes. "Things seemed to have happened in the club, and whatever they are, they're hurting Kuwahara-san a lot. And I'm sure it's not just him who's suffering. Yanagi-kun fell sick from exhaustion and slight depression and self-starvation. And if you, as the leader of the club, don't do anything about it, your club may fall apart soon."

"Thank you," Sanada said again as he got to his feet. Something flashed in his eyes just before he turned to leave. Tetsuko chewed on her lower lip a little nervously, wondering if she had just made things worse than they were.

"He's trying very hard to pull the club together, but he has his own problems too. Everyone does." The boy from earlier on had finished cleaning the board and was presently right beside her, packing his bag. "There are some things that just can't be helped. And there are other things that others just can't help you with," he said in that quiet manner of his, hefting his bag onto his shoulder.

"But it wouldn't hurt to try, would it?" she returned. "If you don't try at all, you'll have nothing left at the end of the day."

"And if you have nothing at all to begin with?" His voice was a little colder now.

She wasn't very sure where this conversation was going, but it was obvious that there was something that this boy before him was seriously missing. "Then you can make something of your own. That's why you have to try. If you admit defeat before even trying then you'll really have nothing at all."

"That's very idealistic. Life doesn't work that way."

"What would you know about life when you're only fifteen?"

"I do believe that I know enough about life…"

"Then I think you'll have a very sorry life indeed. You really will have nothing at all." She wasn't very sure why she was angry, but she was. No one should be as pessimistic as this; it wasn't right. Life had its obstacles, some were harder, much harder, to overcome than others. But if you never once tried to scale its height then you'd always be stuck in a sorry state of nowhere; you'd be neither here nor there.

Life is a creation of Nature and Nature requires balance. Without balance there wouldn't be any meaning to anything.

"Thank you for your comment," he replied stiffly before turning to leave.

"You know there's a point in temperature where no state of matter exists at all? It's called 'absolute zero', but it really can be defined as −273.15°C or −459.67°F."

The boy did not stop walking.

"Sometimes you may like to believe there's an absolute to everything. But in life, there is no such thing; limits are set by people. You can go as far as you wish to go, even though there is still the question of whether you can ever reach it. But if you lock yourself behind your limit and not even take the first step, then you'll never know."

She thought she saw him pause just barely at the doorway before disappearing down the corridor.

* * *

When Akaya arrived back in school, ten minutes late to practice, he was shocked to find that Niou-senpai was the only regular around. Marui-senpai was there too, and they were warming up together. There was incessant whispering among the other club members and he wondered what they were talking about. 

"You're late, Kirihara!" Niou announced as he pounced onto him, appearing out of nowhere. Akaya yelped at the sudden movement. "Gee you're lucky today. The rest aren't even here yet; I wonder what Sanada would do if he found out about you being late though…" Niou slowly let his voice trail off into unspoken possibilities that made Akaya whimper in fear, an evil smirk plastered across his face. From where he was, Marui started grinning and Akaya groaned.

With a laugh, Niou released his kohai and gave him a light shove in the direction of the locker room. "Go change before they get here," he said, smirk still firmly in place, before returning to where Marui was waiting.

"Ano, Niou-senpai."

"Huh?" Niou looked over his shoulder at him.

"What's going on? Those non-regulars can't seem to stop whispering about something, and it isn't normal for Sanada fukubuchou to be late either." He tilted his head slightly to one side in puzzlement.

"Oh that." Niou waved a hand dismissively. "Yanagi fainted and somehow they found it absolutely necessary to be with him at all times until he gets home, like he would die halfway or something." He shrugged nonchalantly as he turned a little more to face Akaya. "You want to go see him? I doubt if they would mind. You're his favourite kohai after all," he remarked offhandedly.

"Oh." Akaya wasn't very sure of what to say in response; his mind had gone exceptionally empty at this precise moment and he couldn't think very well.

"I guess I'd better go change now, then."

Something flashed in Niou's eyes but it was gone before it could be noticed. "Yeah you go do that." Then he shoved Akaya again, as gently as he could. "They'll be here soon."

Akaya nodded mutely as he made his way to the locker room.

Behind him Niou heaved a sigh and resumed his warm-up with Marui.

"You think that kid will be alright?" Marui asked softly, eyes trained on the door of the locker room.

"The same answer I would give if you ask me whether we would be alright." Niou shrugged again. Marui did not ask anymore, choosing to focus on the task at hand instead. It wasn't because he was afraid of hearing the answer, but because he already knew it.

They both did and it hung in the air between them.

_I don't know. _

* * *

_The warm-up soon gave way to practice matches; it was a long time before any of the others arrived to practice. And even then, there wasn't much to say to one another. They set into the newest training pattern that had become so normal to them that they had learned to forget what practice sessions used to be like. _

_It was strangely chilly, that certain afternoon, even though winter had not set in yet. _

* * *

**A/N:** I'm so sorry for updating this late!!! It's been three months- almost four- and I wonder if anyone still remembers this fic... School turned out to be much more hectic than I thought it would be even though my end-of-years were over. Then I had to have writer's block, which was HORRIBLE cos it left me very bewildered as to what I was going to do with where all of my characters were going... _cries_. It was a problem that happened to ALL of my fics and I was terribly distraught for a while... But I'm back now! And I know exactly where all of them are going, so I guess everything will be fine. _lolx_. 

Tetsuko is an oc and I hope that she's turned out to be rather likeable??? I think there's been too much pessimism going around and they badly need someone to give them a reality check. xD. I revised her little speech a few times cos she sounded just a tad too unreasonable, you know, like those uprighteous self-important girls that are so rampant everywhere... gahhhh. I hope she doesnt come across as too pushy. lolx.

About 'absolute zero'. Ah. I must confess here that I love Physics very very much. _laughs_. It fascinates me tremendously. I just had to put it in... somewhere. And 'absolute zero' is such a neat little concept that I just HAD to use it. -_Physics geek in me acting up..._-

And I'm terribly sorry for being a bad writer, cos not only do I not adhere to deadlines I set for myself, I also tend to forget to acknowledge my anonymous reviewers. I'm so sorry... I hope it isn't to late to post some quick replies here.

**kaze:** yes, Renji fainted, and it's of utmost importance that he faints, being a major turning point in the plot and all. and yes, everything will work out eventually. in fact, it would reach a resolution soon. xD

**sm1:** i'm glad you like this story. thank you very much. as to why everyone is so depressed, well, it's because of the usual things: insecurity, hormones, and oh, writer's whim. lolx. i'm sorry if i got you confused; i guess the angst got a little out of hand... -_giggles_-

And lastly, a big thank you to the** Anonymous** person who asked for an update on my LJ not too long ago. It means a lot to me to know that there is someone who is still waiting for an update...

To everyone who's currently still reading this: thank you for reading this story and I hope you enjoyed it. -_hugs_-


	13. interlude: sleepless night

disclaimer: i do not own PoT.

* * *

**Interlude III: Sleepless Night**

_People came and went, dropping in to visit every now and then. It was nice, in a strange bitter way, that he'd actually made this many friends without meaning to, and yet not make enough effort to make the truly special person want to come visit even once; the first part was the nice part, and the second the bitter part. _

This must be what he feels like,_ he thought as he tossed and turned in bed due to the fever burning his sleep away,_ lying in that cold cell all alone, waiting for him to come day after day… and to know, one fine day, that he isn't going to come anymore.

_And he wondered how he'd managed to live, from day to day, living in that place which stank of death and illness and doubtful tomorrows, remembering what __his body used to be and might possibly never be again, meeting and smiling at people who were just like what he used to be and would continue to remain so while he wasted away all alone. And in sudden lucidity he realized just how strong and brave his best friend was. _

_Sleepless nights, it seemed, were sanctuary to one's wildest thoughts. _

_Jumbled images of the two of them, together, jarred through his mind, blurring the boundaries of dreams and consciousness. The first time those bright green eyes met his and remembered him not as one third of the Troika, but as Yanagi Renji; the first time they'd talked and the fire was directed at him as he announced that if he were to beat the three of them one by one, he'd beat him first; the first time they'd walked home together talking about training menus and parted at the crossroads and smiled at each other; the first time he'd realized that he wanted to hold onto his hand and show him the proper grip, not just telling him; the first time he'd actually touched him, only to find that he had minded it at all; the first time they'd kissed, and he'd wanted another and he knew and beat him to it, and everything else stopped mattering anymore…_

_And suddenly it all seemed like a horrible nightmare to him, one that he couldn't wake up from… Suddenly he could no longer remember how it all started. A quarrel? __A misunderstanding? Something big, something small, or… something trivial? _

_Oh right; it started because he'd wanted to spend a Sunday afternoon with his buchou and he was too jealous when he found out to allow him to explain… No, not really. It started because he' heard rumours and his jealousy had made him jump to the easiest conclusion possible and…_

_And…_

… _and he wasn't being fair. _

_He was being jealous. _

_Possessive._

_And selfish. Selfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfish…_

_He could feel it, the fear. Fear, roiling in the pit of his stomach, churning in time with the throbbing fever, making him huddle in his own shell and not see beyond. Fear, of losing because he wasn't enough, of losing because he wasn't seeing enough, of losing because he wasn't doing enough…_

_And losing all the more because he wasn't strong enough to face his fear. _

_Like a parasite that couldn't bee seen, feeding off him, gnawing at him, growing and growing all the while…_

_He was a coward. _

_Pushing him away just because he wasn't nearly strong enough and wishing that he'd come and visit and tell him that everything was fine and that he loved him still…_

…

_Dream on dream, and thought on thought…__ piling one on one, until there was no telling them apart anymore. _

…

_Then the fever broke, in two days' time, all he was left with were the ghosts of feversih dreams, which were ghosts themselves to begin with. _

* * *

Everyone was glad to have him back on the team in time for the invitational match. Not that they couldn't have won without him though; in fact they could have won effortlessly even if they had sent out a team of half-trained freshmen. They were Rikkaidai, after all. 

But it was nice, in a strangely sour way, to pretend everything was alright in front of everybody else, when it had all turned to dust on the inside.

Pretension is an all-empowering tool.

And besides, there was no room for wild thoughts and crazy ideas when you were on the court. This was real life, and there were rules you had to abide by.

Save those thoughts for nights when sleep was hard to come by.

* * *

**A/N:** Another chapter in progress. 


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